postcard size

another night with photoshop

today

i made 

tofu scramble with olive tapenade and lot's of garlic 

wheat toast

sliced oranges

decaf italian roast

a delicious breakfast for myself. bernie had a carrot, his dry food and water

today i find myself yearning to be in a relationship. how lovely it would be to make breakfast for two. to wake up with someone that i love and respect. it's been a long time and i'm missing it so much.

i guess i didn't realize that this is what i truly want until i met someone that i clicked with. i've dated over the past 3(?) years since my last major relationship. i've even been in a 9 month relationship. none of the people i was with were right for me and i knew it, i guess i settled for a while and then left each of them for various reasons. one turned out to have serious addiction problems and all of the behaviors that come with an addiction, or multiple. he lied and cheated. then there was the married man who eventually told me that his wife didn't actually know that they were separated. next the marijuana grower who was very cute and sweet but too young and unstable. medicinal marijuana is fine, but a grower is a drug dealer when it comes down to it. the last turned out to be a grower, an alcoholic and mentally unstable. he also fathered my baby. the people i was with before my last real relationship were all successful, creative, intelligent, educated. my standards dropped so low and i will now be more careful about who i spend my time with. 

i sometimes wonder if dating people like the above may have been a punishment for myself for initiating the end of my last, long term loving relationship. she was/is a great person and we have so much in common. there was mutual respect, support, love and friendship. she doesn't do drugs, works in the entertainment industry (as do i) as a producer, is an artist, funny, real, honest. you guessed it, i still love her. we are friends and talk a lot, but will not be in a relationship again. 

i'm soon to have a baby and this complicates things. i can't see how it is possible to enter a serious relationship, as much as i want it. this makes me sad, but it is the beginning of a new life in which i will be thinking of my child first, before my needs.

a crush

I broke my vow to not date. Last night I met someone that I'd been talking to a bit online. He's in town from L.A. for work and asked if I wanted to meet him. I had developed an online crush so decided to see if we liked each other in person. We met at a bar, I had 7up, he's charming, easy to talk with, attractive, we have plenty in common from what I know so far. The crush has held out. We talked easily for about 2 hours until he had to catch the train back to his friends. It's been a while since I've genuinely liked someone and felt a connection. The problem is that he lives in L.A. and neither of us want's to get into a long distance relationship. I felt sad when we parted last night and then today. I have to move on but knowing how rare it is to meet someone that I really connect with makes it difficult. We may stay in contact and become friends, but maybe not. 

Fab gifts from friends

My friend made this!

The Onesies

Baby's 1st beater, boa, beanie and briefs

also...

some new-ish symptoms. i feel sick to my stomach every morning, after i eat. i can not longer have my decaf. i told the nurse/midwife about it last week and she said it was probably a flu. i don't think it is, flu's don't usually last this long. i eat, go online, then start to feel sick enough to lie down for a while. it's starting to happen now. i haven't been sleeping so that could be a part of it, or maybe it's what i eat for breakfast. i don't know. i have an appointment next thursday so will tell them again that i feel sick every morning. 

relieved by this at least

i'm so relieved that my sex drive has plummeted. it was distracting and honestly making me feel crazy. i at least feel stronger in being alone in that way. i'm abstaining until i am healthily through birth, recovery and at least somewhat adjusted to being a new mother. any dates until then will be friend dates. 

30 weeks

today i am 30 weeks pregnant.

i'm finding myself sometimes dwelling in terror on the birth process. i have this creeping fear that i or the baby will die. i know, it's not so common anymore to die in childbirth, but it did happen often not too long ago.

maybe it's because i've been reading a blog by a guy who's wife died in the hospital after giving birth. this happened 5 months ago and he is a single dad to his infant daughter. also, about a year ago a friend's baby died during birth.

who would raise my baby if i died? my mother is the first thought, but she is in her 60's. if she couldn't then my aunt susan, if not her then my dear friend who has been considering fostering kids when her youngest leaves home in a few years.

i've read that it is normal to be scared of giving birth, most women are, especially the first time. it feels like it's just around the corner, close enough to reach out and tap my back.

i'm ready to have my body back and to meet my daughter, but so scared.