i've been absent on here, i know. i should be blogging/journaling it's good to get it all out. my excuse is that i've had no time because it is all baby. she was sleeping and is now waking up. i may be able to write depending on her mood. she's adorable, round and smiling. so cute. she melts me.
it seems that there are alot of "issues" to work through right now and it frustrates me. i've been diagnosed with post partum depression and have been very torn on whether i should wean her when i go on antidepressants. i've gone back and forth quite a bit, done tons of research on medications in breast milk, side effects to the baby, etc vs effects of not breast feeding and changing to formula. i've found that zoloft is the best choice based on extensive studies with moms and babies. my options are to take the meds at a low dose and breast feed, take the meds and wean-go to formula, or move to my mom's so i can try to maintain off of meds with a supportive environment and less rent so i can join a yoga class which helps my depression quite a bit. when depressed i can't be the best possible mama because i'm not my best self. i try, i talk with her, sing silly songs, do my best to smile naturally...but i'm sad, lonely, anxious, overly worried about germs, unmotivated and so on...she is completely healthy thankfully. i just want to be my best for her. she needs that so she will be properly socialized and continue to develop on track.
my mom and i have been having problems. she was triggered into a bad depression by the birth of my daughter. she's having ton's of issues and worries about us...i'm pretty confused by it all so it's hard for me to write it out clearly.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
there are things that i'm always wanting to improve on...let's see...for 2009:
1) return my body to a close resemblance of my pre-pregnant self. this means going back to my healthy eating habits and exercising regularly. i usually walk alot and do yoga.
2) continue to get to know my baby girl and enjoy her babyhood.
3) keep current with makeup-what's happening in films, new products, techniques....i have to at least do this if i want to continue my career again at some point.
4)start the process of getting my cosmetology license to promote more regular, steady work
5) start the process of getting out of this feeling of poverty.
-things that make me feel poor are:
--being on calworks and not having enough money to cover everything every month
--not having a car
--not being able to afford to live in a more suitible living situation-more suited to my lifestyle, an environment that is creative, peaceful, light
6) decide where (what city, state} i want to live and raise my kid after clear thought, research and soul searching. i don't want to do what my mom did and move my daughter around excessively.
7) try to somehow feel like myself again. i've felt far from myself and kind of lost for the past 3ish years
8) maaaybe meet someone who i can have mutual respect, love and support with. and who of course likes kids and is good with mine.
i'm sure there are more, smaller things to work on, but this is enough for now.
1) return my body to a close resemblance of my pre-pregnant self. this means going back to my healthy eating habits and exercising regularly. i usually walk alot and do yoga.
2) continue to get to know my baby girl and enjoy her babyhood.
3) keep current with makeup-what's happening in films, new products, techniques....i have to at least do this if i want to continue my career again at some point.
4)start the process of getting my cosmetology license to promote more regular, steady work
5) start the process of getting out of this feeling of poverty.
-things that make me feel poor are:
--being on calworks and not having enough money to cover everything every month
--not having a car
--not being able to afford to live in a more suitible living situation-more suited to my lifestyle, an environment that is creative, peaceful, light
6) decide where (what city, state} i want to live and raise my kid after clear thought, research and soul searching. i don't want to do what my mom did and move my daughter around excessively.
7) try to somehow feel like myself again. i've felt far from myself and kind of lost for the past 3ish years
8) maaaybe meet someone who i can have mutual respect, love and support with. and who of course likes kids and is good with mine.
i'm sure there are more, smaller things to work on, but this is enough for now.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
being a mommy is having no time, rocking the stroller with my foot so she is calm and i can be on the computer, severe sleep deprivation, learning, sacrifices, getting to know her and myself as a mama, making choices/ decisions with her as the driving force, accepting that my body is not what is was and it will take time to get it back, becoming a complete adult, pediatrician appointments, vaccinations, car seats, breast pumps, sore boobies, unfolded laundry, quick meals, delayed phone calls, no time, no time, no time, knowing that she will teach me and i her, constant awareness of her health and safety, thoughts"can i do this" knowing that i can and am, so much love....and so much more
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Birth of Verity Rae
I was home in bed watching tv show’s online when it all started. At 12:30 am on Thursday Nov 20th my water broke. I couldn’t sleep as had become a nightly occurrence during the last few weeks of my pregnancy so was up late hoping to pass out from exhaustion. I got up to go to the bathroom where I lost my mucus plug, saw my bloody show and my water broke. It wasn’t a big gush, but a steady flow. Two days before a midwife had given me some strips of paper to test any clear discharge for amniotic fluid. The paper turned dark green/blue I knew immediately that this was it and felt a slight panic. I was alone and my main birth support person had left on a 3 day work trip the day before. “ok. The midwife said that I don’t need to rush to the hospital if my water breaks. I have 24 hours. Well, maybe I should call and ask.” I went online instead to read about broken water and what to do. I decided to call. The Perinatal Center was of course closed so I got their call center who called the Dr. who called me and told me to go to the hospital right away. Ok. How to get to the hospital. My options were to a) call a cab; b) wake my non-friend housemate; c) call my neighbor/aquaintance; d) call my old friend Max in SF. After running through each option I chose to call Max and wake her up. I didn’t want to be at the hospital alone or to have a lingering stranger with me at such an intense time. I’m so glad I called Max, she was and is being amazing. Max showed up about ½ hour later and we arrived at Alta Bates at 1:30am.
Max and I were brought into a curtained off cubicle area in triage. The nurse checked my vitals and tested the fluid with the same strips of paper. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and Verity’s heart rate was excellent. It was definite and I only had to wait for a room before being admitted to the hospital. At this point I was told that I could only have liquids until I gave birth. The birthing center was at full capacity so I wasn’t admitted until 4am. At this point I wasn’t having any contractions, they said I had up to 18 hours to wait for active labor to start naturally before they would have to induce. I was positive it would happen before then, I’d been having some pretty intense ( or so I thought) contractions in the days before. I later learned that the midwives had been keeping the Dr’s out so that I could have the full 18 hours. I had tested positive for strep b so was hooked up to a penicillin drip every few hours which burned like fire until they added a fluid drip to help dilute it. There is a risk of infection when the water breaks early so every hour or so my temp and heart rate were taken. I waited until 5:30 am to call my mom so she wouldn’t drive 4 hours in the dark. I woke her and half asleep she said “Ok well, I’m going to work this afternoon” Um, it’s happening Mom, I’m in the hospital. Thankfully she finally got it and showed up at around 2pm. I started to have light, infrequent contractions and after 13 hours I wasn’t progressing like we’d all hoped. I still wanted to wait the full 18 to hopefully avoid the pitocin. My contractions started to get a bit more intense and painful, some in my back some in front. I hadn’t been checked for dilation yet because of the risk of infection, but after about 15 hours I asked them to. I was not dilated at all. It was then that I was given the 3 options to help ripen my cervix 1) a bulbous contraption inserted; 2) a smaller device that hooks onto the outside of the cervix and releases meds slowly 3) I don’t remember. I think these were to be used before resorting to pitocin. I had them give me some time to think it over. At this point I became very sad that things were turning out this way that it was looking like there had to be some intervention. I was resistant to it until one of the midwives explained to me that sometimes we have to give up control when things become out of our control. I called my Doula who came shortly after and told me that it is still my birth, my experience and no matter what happened it was all done to bring the baby safely into the world. She was amazing, more about her later. I chose the small device. As I was laying in bed hooked up to IV’s on the verge of tears I had a strong contraction which brought the nurse and midwife running into the room. “Lay on your side!”, I didn’t respond immediately out of exhaustion “Lay on your side!” and they helped me. Verity’s heart rate had dropped from 140 to 88. I was then told that because there was no or little water left the cord was being compressed causing her heart rate to drop. At that point I gave up all reservations about intervention and accepted the situation as it was. Whatever you have to do to save her. They started the pitocin. It only took several minutes for the intense, excruciating contractions to begin. My birth team was wonderful and this was the very positive part of the process. The Doula is new, in training but naturally gifted. She is a massage therapist as well so knew the pressure points to help lessen the pain. She was warm, gently in control and guided the rest of the team in how to help me. I had people all around me massaging, pressing points, reminding me to breathe, telling me how well I was doing. The pitocin machine was increasing it’s dosage automatically and every time I heard the machine click I knew the pain would be closer to unbearable. I’d slipped into a sleep deprived, over exhausted, pain induced trance-like state. I couldn’t talk, or respond other than to suggestions about my breathing. I was mostly quiet with my eyes closed. About 6 hours before I gave birth Allegra, my main support person showed up. I’d texted her to tell her I was in the hospital. She was very upset that she wasn’t there and made the decision to leave her work conference early. She easily joined into the rhythm of the rest of the team, which allowed a couple of people to take short breaks. The pain had become unbearable and I felt like I was dying. I was having back and front labor- like 100 knives simultaneously in my back and front and then re-inserted into open wounds. At this point I asked for the epidural. I was then checked for dilation, I was only at 1cm and had to be at 4 before they would do that. I was given another pain medication to “help me get through until I could get the epidural” It did nothing. I was no longer quiet, but moaning. About 3 hours later I started shaking and begging for the epidural, I was checked an hour later and was at 7cm . Yep from 1cm to 7cm in 4 hours! The epidural was ordered. My contractions had gotten so horrible that I was screaming and feeling like I had to push. Finally the epidural came. The Dr tried to tell me about the risks and procedure, but I already knew and said “just do it!”. The room was cleared except for Allegra, the anesthesiologist and a nurse. I sat up on the bed leaning forward on Allegra while it was inserted into my spine. I don’t remember feeling anything. I had two more horrible contractions after that and then peace. Thank you. I was able to lay quietly on the bed for a while pain free. I even dozed off for a few minutes. It was out of this restful period that I was once again shocked into reality. I opened my eyes and the room was swarming with people I said “ Why are there so many people in here!”. A Dr, midwives and nurses were discussing what to do to best get the baby out. Someone said “we need to figure out quickly how to get the baby out safely”. An oxygen mask was put on my face. Every time I had a contraction her heart rate went down. My mom said at that point I had a look of terror on my face. It hit me that my baby could die. They had me lay on my side to push each time I had a contraction. My contractions were spaced pretty far apart for that point of labor. I was pushing pretty well, but she wasn’t coming out. There was no time so they had to use the vacuum. She came out healthy with a slightly bruised head and was placed on my belly, then chest. I had some pretty severe tearing near my urethra so I had to be stitched up and the baby taken. I couldn’t breast feed right away like I’d hoped.
Two hours later we were moved to a shared recovery room, separated by a curtain. I was lucky enough to get the window side which was a full wall with a view of the roof garden. The nurses were wonderful. All of them were very knowledgeable. I was having some trouble with breastfeeding, she wasn’t latching, and they helped me figure it out. I was in recovery for two nights and felt very well taken care of. I even had the full room to myself for one night. A new roommate moved in the last night and brought tons of people with her. They were loud and there until 11pm, then back at 8am the next morning. At this point I couldn’t wait to get home. My mom had stayed in the hospital with me and has continued to be wonderful support.
I'm now recovering at home physically and emotionally. I'm terrified, in love, joyful, overwhelmed, exhausted, worried, hopeful and most of all learning how to be a mama.
Max and I were brought into a curtained off cubicle area in triage. The nurse checked my vitals and tested the fluid with the same strips of paper. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and Verity’s heart rate was excellent. It was definite and I only had to wait for a room before being admitted to the hospital. At this point I was told that I could only have liquids until I gave birth. The birthing center was at full capacity so I wasn’t admitted until 4am. At this point I wasn’t having any contractions, they said I had up to 18 hours to wait for active labor to start naturally before they would have to induce. I was positive it would happen before then, I’d been having some pretty intense ( or so I thought) contractions in the days before. I later learned that the midwives had been keeping the Dr’s out so that I could have the full 18 hours. I had tested positive for strep b so was hooked up to a penicillin drip every few hours which burned like fire until they added a fluid drip to help dilute it. There is a risk of infection when the water breaks early so every hour or so my temp and heart rate were taken. I waited until 5:30 am to call my mom so she wouldn’t drive 4 hours in the dark. I woke her and half asleep she said “Ok well, I’m going to work this afternoon” Um, it’s happening Mom, I’m in the hospital. Thankfully she finally got it and showed up at around 2pm. I started to have light, infrequent contractions and after 13 hours I wasn’t progressing like we’d all hoped. I still wanted to wait the full 18 to hopefully avoid the pitocin. My contractions started to get a bit more intense and painful, some in my back some in front. I hadn’t been checked for dilation yet because of the risk of infection, but after about 15 hours I asked them to. I was not dilated at all. It was then that I was given the 3 options to help ripen my cervix 1) a bulbous contraption inserted; 2) a smaller device that hooks onto the outside of the cervix and releases meds slowly 3) I don’t remember. I think these were to be used before resorting to pitocin. I had them give me some time to think it over. At this point I became very sad that things were turning out this way that it was looking like there had to be some intervention. I was resistant to it until one of the midwives explained to me that sometimes we have to give up control when things become out of our control. I called my Doula who came shortly after and told me that it is still my birth, my experience and no matter what happened it was all done to bring the baby safely into the world. She was amazing, more about her later. I chose the small device. As I was laying in bed hooked up to IV’s on the verge of tears I had a strong contraction which brought the nurse and midwife running into the room. “Lay on your side!”, I didn’t respond immediately out of exhaustion “Lay on your side!” and they helped me. Verity’s heart rate had dropped from 140 to 88. I was then told that because there was no or little water left the cord was being compressed causing her heart rate to drop. At that point I gave up all reservations about intervention and accepted the situation as it was. Whatever you have to do to save her. They started the pitocin. It only took several minutes for the intense, excruciating contractions to begin. My birth team was wonderful and this was the very positive part of the process. The Doula is new, in training but naturally gifted. She is a massage therapist as well so knew the pressure points to help lessen the pain. She was warm, gently in control and guided the rest of the team in how to help me. I had people all around me massaging, pressing points, reminding me to breathe, telling me how well I was doing. The pitocin machine was increasing it’s dosage automatically and every time I heard the machine click I knew the pain would be closer to unbearable. I’d slipped into a sleep deprived, over exhausted, pain induced trance-like state. I couldn’t talk, or respond other than to suggestions about my breathing. I was mostly quiet with my eyes closed. About 6 hours before I gave birth Allegra, my main support person showed up. I’d texted her to tell her I was in the hospital. She was very upset that she wasn’t there and made the decision to leave her work conference early. She easily joined into the rhythm of the rest of the team, which allowed a couple of people to take short breaks. The pain had become unbearable and I felt like I was dying. I was having back and front labor- like 100 knives simultaneously in my back and front and then re-inserted into open wounds. At this point I asked for the epidural. I was then checked for dilation, I was only at 1cm and had to be at 4 before they would do that. I was given another pain medication to “help me get through until I could get the epidural” It did nothing. I was no longer quiet, but moaning. About 3 hours later I started shaking and begging for the epidural, I was checked an hour later and was at 7cm . Yep from 1cm to 7cm in 4 hours! The epidural was ordered. My contractions had gotten so horrible that I was screaming and feeling like I had to push. Finally the epidural came. The Dr tried to tell me about the risks and procedure, but I already knew and said “just do it!”. The room was cleared except for Allegra, the anesthesiologist and a nurse. I sat up on the bed leaning forward on Allegra while it was inserted into my spine. I don’t remember feeling anything. I had two more horrible contractions after that and then peace. Thank you. I was able to lay quietly on the bed for a while pain free. I even dozed off for a few minutes. It was out of this restful period that I was once again shocked into reality. I opened my eyes and the room was swarming with people I said “ Why are there so many people in here!”. A Dr, midwives and nurses were discussing what to do to best get the baby out. Someone said “we need to figure out quickly how to get the baby out safely”. An oxygen mask was put on my face. Every time I had a contraction her heart rate went down. My mom said at that point I had a look of terror on my face. It hit me that my baby could die. They had me lay on my side to push each time I had a contraction. My contractions were spaced pretty far apart for that point of labor. I was pushing pretty well, but she wasn’t coming out. There was no time so they had to use the vacuum. She came out healthy with a slightly bruised head and was placed on my belly, then chest. I had some pretty severe tearing near my urethra so I had to be stitched up and the baby taken. I couldn’t breast feed right away like I’d hoped.
Two hours later we were moved to a shared recovery room, separated by a curtain. I was lucky enough to get the window side which was a full wall with a view of the roof garden. The nurses were wonderful. All of them were very knowledgeable. I was having some trouble with breastfeeding, she wasn’t latching, and they helped me figure it out. I was in recovery for two nights and felt very well taken care of. I even had the full room to myself for one night. A new roommate moved in the last night and brought tons of people with her. They were loud and there until 11pm, then back at 8am the next morning. At this point I couldn’t wait to get home. My mom had stayed in the hospital with me and has continued to be wonderful support.
I'm now recovering at home physically and emotionally. I'm terrified, in love, joyful, overwhelmed, exhausted, worried, hopeful and most of all learning how to be a mama.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Verity Rae Is Here!
Nov 21, 8:26 am, 7lbs
I'm so in love with her it's overwhelming. The birth story will come soon....too tired now
I'm so in love with her it's overwhelming. The birth story will come soon....too tired now
Monday, November 17, 2008
Bernie
He's home with me now and has improved quite a bit. He is still very wobbly on his legs and easily falls over, but it's hopeful that he has use of his legs at all. The vet gave him a steroid shot and it is working to decrease swelling around his spine. He's not eating much or drinking water, I don't think he feels very well. I'm keeping him in my room so he will rest and not try to over exert himself.
It's still scary and very sad. He's usually very playful and he seems depressed right now:(
It's still scary and very sad. He's usually very playful and he seems depressed right now:(
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Heartbroken. My beloved companion, sweet dog Bernie is in trouble
I just got home from being at the vet for 7 hours.
I love my Bernie so much. I rescued him 8 years ago and he's been my buddy, my devoted, loving companion....at times it's been just us, me and my dog. He's helped me through some really rough times. I've never been so attached to an animal.
Today we went to the dog park, he hadn't been for months and I knew he needed to run around and play. He had a great time until he was attacked by a larger dog. He seemed ok at first, there was no broken skin and he was running around normally. We only stayed a couple minutes after that happened. When we got in the car (I was with my friend as well) I noticed he was panting and shifting around uncomfortably. I though he was probably just scared and thirsty so i gave him some water and comforted him a bit. He also seemed really tired, but I thought that was normal after running around the dog park. We stopped and got some food, Bernie in the car with water, in the shade and windows rolled down. I was starting to feel uneasy, like there was something wrong with him. We had planned to drop him off at home and go grocery shopping. When we got to my place and he jumped out of the car he fell, his legs gave out. I freaked out of course, brought him inside and got him to walk around a bit. He kept falling forward. First his left front leg was giving out, then both front legs, then all of his legs and he couldn't walk at all. I felt him all over checking for pain and he didn't cry, didn't feel any pain. I'd been squeezing his squeeky toy to get him to walk and he was trying, he wanted to play, but he just fell over. Oh gawd it was so heartbreaking.I found an emergency vet, called and took him in.
I learned that Bernie has a heart murmer that must be fairly new because no other vet has noticed it. The Vet also believes that Bernies problems could be from a spinal injury. So, he's in trouble and I'm completely devastated, can't stop crying. I had to leave him there tonight for observation and some procedures. They are giving him shots to reduce any possible swelling around his spinal cord which may be causing the problem. He hasn't had any major neurological tests yet, they will run up to a few thousand if he needs them. I feel so awful, so worried for him, he's so scared and I hated leaving him over night. I don't know what I'll do without him if he doesn't get through this.
I have no money so had to call my mom who has no money to ask her to help me with her credit card. Thankfully she understands what it's like to love a pet and she's putting it on her card. I'm not sure that she could cover the huge costs of neurological tests though. I'm just so heartbroken and hoping for the best, that he will be improving by the morning.
I love my Bernie so much. I rescued him 8 years ago and he's been my buddy, my devoted, loving companion....at times it's been just us, me and my dog. He's helped me through some really rough times. I've never been so attached to an animal.
Today we went to the dog park, he hadn't been for months and I knew he needed to run around and play. He had a great time until he was attacked by a larger dog. He seemed ok at first, there was no broken skin and he was running around normally. We only stayed a couple minutes after that happened. When we got in the car (I was with my friend as well) I noticed he was panting and shifting around uncomfortably. I though he was probably just scared and thirsty so i gave him some water and comforted him a bit. He also seemed really tired, but I thought that was normal after running around the dog park. We stopped and got some food, Bernie in the car with water, in the shade and windows rolled down. I was starting to feel uneasy, like there was something wrong with him. We had planned to drop him off at home and go grocery shopping. When we got to my place and he jumped out of the car he fell, his legs gave out. I freaked out of course, brought him inside and got him to walk around a bit. He kept falling forward. First his left front leg was giving out, then both front legs, then all of his legs and he couldn't walk at all. I felt him all over checking for pain and he didn't cry, didn't feel any pain. I'd been squeezing his squeeky toy to get him to walk and he was trying, he wanted to play, but he just fell over. Oh gawd it was so heartbreaking.I found an emergency vet, called and took him in.
I learned that Bernie has a heart murmer that must be fairly new because no other vet has noticed it. The Vet also believes that Bernies problems could be from a spinal injury. So, he's in trouble and I'm completely devastated, can't stop crying. I had to leave him there tonight for observation and some procedures. They are giving him shots to reduce any possible swelling around his spinal cord which may be causing the problem. He hasn't had any major neurological tests yet, they will run up to a few thousand if he needs them. I feel so awful, so worried for him, he's so scared and I hated leaving him over night. I don't know what I'll do without him if he doesn't get through this.
I have no money so had to call my mom who has no money to ask her to help me with her credit card. Thankfully she understands what it's like to love a pet and she's putting it on her card. I'm not sure that she could cover the huge costs of neurological tests though. I'm just so heartbroken and hoping for the best, that he will be improving by the morning.
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