letter to a stranger

because i feel like writing and why not to you? why you? i guess because you propmted me to think about some things. i know our meeting was not fantastic, but it did make me re-realize some things about myself, and that is positive. listening to you talk about your projects was inspiring, but also nastalgic. you are an interesting person, i said to my  friend" if i was in my 20's i would be head over for this guy, but i'm so different now and i don't fall easily". i used to fall for someone's accomplishments before knowing the person. i suppose i know myself better, am stronger. after leaving you i began to remember how i used to be before i was consumed by the survival drudgery. it made me miss myself and long to be her again, a mature version. i love to be busy, it makes me feel alive and happy. 

i miss being enmeshed in an arts community...the thinking processes, well really thinking more deeply on many levels...conceptual, exploring ideas, research, experimentation, exploration...i believe i took that lifestyle for granted not really knowing how crucial some of it was to my happiness. i suppose i had begun to think of these things before our meeting. wondering how i can put myself back in that place, i'm sure i will figure it out someday. i made short films and some installations. i had my work shown in european film fastivals, toronto dance clubs, san francisco galleries....i never wanted to be a gallery artisi, i guess it is as i've said, i like to make things for the process. i do love working on film sets, in the middles of the action. my job is intimate and i like working closely with the actors. i am always on hand, on set as long as the actors are. my work is creative, but i still feel unfulfilled.

feeling unfulfilled is precisely why i do not want to get seriously involved with somebody. i am not at my best, i am not where i want to be in life. i have been there and i know what it feels like. when i feel that i am truly back to myself with a full life then i will be ready to fall in love. as much as i miss it, i know it would not work for me or the other person. the last time i was in love was with the woman i moved to l.a. with. outside life choices on my part contributed to our sex life completely disappearing. this lack of intimacy is what broke us up. since then 3 different people have fallen in love with me and i have not felt the same. i made bad choices and became involved with people that i knew were wrong for me. i am so wary now and careful. i hope at some point to fall in love mutually again but even more to be back to my full self.

g