call from my first love

I just got a phone call from m first love "J". It was brief, but so good to hear from him. About 2 years ago I found him online. He's a painter, artist, and I was curious to see what he'd been up to, if he was successful. It turns out that indeed he is! He has his work in galleries regularly in NYC and Los Angeles. Close to a year ago I'd planned a trip to NY to visit a good friend, J lives in Brooklyn so we planned on trying to meet up. I never went on the trip and we stopped e-mailing for a while. 

I contacted again last week to tell him about my pregnancy and say hello. It turns out that his wife is also pregnant with a girl and due any day! He asked for my phone number and we just talked for the first time in about 13 years. He sounds good, like J. He congratulated me on the baby and told me how excited he is to hold his daughter. His wife is a lawyer and works with SNL. They are both doing really well in their careers, I'm genuinely happy for him. 

Of course this brought some stuff up for me. I sometimes feel like a huge failure at life, I guess mainly because I'm not happy, don't feel successful in my career, am poor and feel stuck. I want to feel fulfilled and satisfied, I just keep getting older and this path I'm on isn't working...I keep thinking that maybe I should move back to L.A. for the work....but I just don't know. J is another example of a partner I was with who was together, intelligent, supportive and inspirational. What happened to Me!? When did I stop being a successful, driven, inspired person? How can I get back there?