i was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 16 years ago and have been on medication for the majority of the time. i've been off for a year at the most, generally at about the year mark i crash, fall into a deep debilitating depression. it's starting to happen now.
a couple of weeks before i found out about the pregnancy i had weaned myself off of a medication in preparation to change to another. there was a delay in getting started on the new one due to difficulty in getting an appointment with a dr. when i discovered the pregnancy i was relieved that the medication was out of my system. i feel very strongly against taking any anti-depressants while pregnant. i don't believe that any of them could be safe for a growing, forming person.
so here i am in this horrible, familiar place and i cannot take the route i normally take to feel better. i'm feeling hopeless about my future....career, love, community, financial stability. i don't know where i belong anymore or what i should be doing. i used to feel that san francisco was my home, i don't anymore and am left feeling adrift, lost and confused. i know that happiness and contentment doesn't come from place alone, but from oneself. i have been through some very difficult times here, to dark places. i thought that being here again, near my oldest, closest friends would be good for me and the baby. it's great to see people, but they are also reminders of the bad places i have been. some of them were there with me. i have felt the pull to go back because it's easier to fall than climb. so far i've been holding strong for my mental health and baby.
a few days ago i went to lunch with an old friend and an ex of hers. i had dated her friend at the same time so we were a group for a while. during that time i fell into my deepest depression yet and laded in a hospital for two weeks. i was unable to work for a few months. having lunch with this woman brought up a whole mass of emotions and memories. i think this is what triggered my current state.
sexually i don't feel healthy. this has been an issue since i was very young. i was abused, some i remember clearly, other incidents i can only remember partially. i've fought the feeling that all i am good for is sex since i was about 13. it's been a battle and there have been times when my substantial sex drive has driven me to be with people that i don't like or respect. i think this happens when i am unhappy, isolated and bored. like i am now. what i really want is companionship, affection, friendship, understanding.... when i give in to my sexual desires during these times i end up feeling emptier and more lonely.
i spend most days alone in an apartment that i don't feel is my home. most days i don't talk to anybody. i don't have a car and it's difficult and expensive (for me) to get around from where i now live. i'm online a lot. started visiting dating sites because of this massive lonliness and huge hormonal sex drive. i know this is not a good time to start dating someone, yet i keep "talking" (e-mailing) with people. i've been on a few dates, liked a couple of people but nothing has happened with them. i had a sexual experience on friday with someone that my dear friend set me up with. i trusted her and her description of him, but when i met him i was disappointed. i went through with it anyway and am left feeling very low. i never would have been with him if i was in a stronger place.
i feel fragile. woke up sobbing this morning. i still try to get out of the house every day. i have crafty projects i want to work on, i actually got some supplies yesterday. they are surrounding my bed and i cannot focus enough to get started. i haven't been sleeping which doesn't help. i just want to be in bed all day. today i pulled out some paperwork, info on where to get mental health help. i need therapy, the places listed don't seem to offer therapy for low income, but only medication services. i have to look online i guess.
just really at a loss.....trying to hold myself together
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