my best friend had agreed to be THE person when I go into labor and now I wonder if I've lost her. I've been feeling especially lonely and alone and that she is not present. I expected this would happen when I moved out of her house because it has in the past. With her it's out of sight out of mind...or out of schedule, calender, etc. She's started online dating and goes on dates with several people, sometimes several a week. She also has some weekly commitments with other friends and often doesn't answer her phone or call back. I've been getting increasingly anxious that for some reason she wont be available, wont come through when I go into labor. Worrying about finding myself completely on my own to get to the hospital. This has been a major reason (among others) why I haven't been able to sleep.
Late last night I sent her an email telling her of my concerns. I just got back from my now weekly Dr's apt to find an angry response from her. She didn't understand where I was coming from. I was trying to tell her how fragile I'm feeling, that I really need her support emotionally, that it would be great if she called me more often and maybe came by sometimes. We live only a couple of miles from each other so for her it's a very easy drive. For me to get to her house is much more challenging on public transport and over 8 months pregnant. She has been a good friend in many ways, I know that and I've told her, shown her how much I appreciate it many times. I guess the support she gives is more material and less emotional. I've come to believe that she is not capable of giving as much as I currently need and I have to accept that about her. There are very few people that I feel comfortable asking for help/support and she has been one until now. In her response she said "I let you stay at my house! I threw you a baby shower!". Yes these are good friend things to do, but she really didn't get what I was saying, got angry and defensive and said some very harsh things that I don't need to hear right now. I can't handle her anger, I'm not strong enough, so I've decided that I shouldn't talk to her for a while and shouldn't ask for anything of her. I'm feeling very sad.
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I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope you have a back up-- is your mother close by?
By the same token, one of the things I'm learning as I begin this journey of completing a pregnancy and entering motherhood on my own is that different people give in different ways, not always exactly the way I'd like them to give. It's very disconcerting because it makes me feel unsure they'll be there when I need them, but most of the time they're there when they say they will be. Not good enough, I realize, when you're talking about a thing like labor and childbirth.
Mel
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