reflecting-mom to be

as the birth of my daughter is imminent i've been reflecting on what my life has been so far.
the past has been coming forward, as it does from time to time.
complications of the layers, overlapping lives, adventures
my image of me, or what people see, have seen

bad girl:
tattoos and piercings, vixen, parties,
underground, hidden, stubborn, strong, blunt
fierce eyes

shy girl:
quiet, soft spoken, sweet, gentle
domestic, baking, sewing, love
it takes time to know her

sad girl:
wanting connection, lonely, desperately sad, insecure
crying, sleepless nights, aching, lost, old
sad eyes

smart girl:
reading, listening, questioning, thinking, observing, debating
education, always learning, open, world wise, funny, strong
bright

professional lady:
dedicated, organized, knowledgeable, talented, experienced, research
artsy, calm
adult

adventurous girl:
travels, takes lovers, explores, takes risks
wanderlust, not settling down, moving, changes
in and out of control of her life

Soon I am to be a mother. In fact I feel like a mother now. I wonder what my selves will be when I am always responsible for another person? I can feel myself changing and finally it seems I am more a woman than a girl. Oh I've been a woman for a long time but maybe not as much an adult as I could be. As all mothers do I want to protect my daughter from the hardships I've experienced. I want for her to know the joys I've known as well, and to be an innocent child for longer than I was.

looking up

So things are starting to look a bit more positive overall and it feels good. My support person and I had a talk over the weekend and worked through the issues. There are still differences in beliefs about what friendship is, but it's ok. I feel much better, and that she will be here for me. I also asked another friend to be a backup just in case and have been trying to find a "Doula in training", I've contacted about 10 via e-mail and so far no luck. They need to attend births as the final part of their training so the cost is low or free.

I've also started researching childcare and looked at an amazing place today that's right across the street from my house!. I love it and put Verity on a waitlist. They take babies starting at 4 mo. I'll need childcare before then so am looking at some other places to fill in until there's an opening at this place.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking that I should look into getting my Cosmetology license. The local community college has a program and because I am so poor I'll get my books, supplies, childcare and transportation covered. I was afraid that I wouldn't get any financial aid because my student loans (from my BFA) are in default, yeah surprising I can't pay the $650/mo they want and they won't work out any kind of payment plan. Anyway, again because I'm poor and soon to be a mom the tuition will be waived! I chose to get my license so that I'll be able to work in salons. I've been doing freelance makeup for 10 years for film, tv, etc, but I can't rely on the instability of freelance only now that I have to take care of someone else. My little family...myself, my dog and my baby :-). I'm a little bit insecure about going through this program at my age, but then I think of a makeup artist I know who did the same thing and she was older than me, 42. She's now 45 and has a great job. She still does some freelance when she can.

I've also started therapy which I think will be helpful, it has been in the past.

Something has switched inside of me and even though I'm pretty stressed and depressed I'm feeling a bit more hopeful.

may have lost my support person

my best friend had agreed to be THE person when I go into labor and now I wonder if I've lost her. I've been feeling especially lonely and alone and that she is not present. I expected this would happen when I moved out of her house because it has in the past. With her it's out of sight out of mind...or out of schedule, calender, etc. She's started online dating and goes on dates with several people, sometimes several a week. She also has some weekly commitments with other friends and often doesn't answer her phone or call back. I've been getting increasingly anxious that for some reason she wont be available, wont come through when I go into labor. Worrying about finding myself completely on my own to get to the hospital. This has been a major reason (among others) why I haven't been able to sleep.

Late last night I sent her an email telling her of my concerns. I just got back from my now weekly Dr's apt to find an angry response from her. She didn't understand where I was coming from. I was trying to tell her how fragile I'm feeling, that I really need her support emotionally, that it would be great if she called me more often and maybe came by sometimes. We live only a couple of miles from each other so for her it's a very easy drive. For me to get to her house is much more challenging on public transport and over 8 months pregnant. She has been a good friend in many ways, I know that and I've told her, shown her how much I appreciate it many times. I guess the support she gives is more material and less emotional. I've come to believe that she is not capable of giving as much as I currently need and I have to accept that about her. There are very few people that I feel comfortable asking for help/support and she has been one until now. In her response she said "I let you stay at my house! I threw you a baby shower!". Yes these are good friend things to do, but she really didn't get what I was saying, got angry and defensive and said some very harsh things that I don't need to hear right now. I can't handle her anger, I'm not strong enough, so I've decided that I shouldn't talk to her for a while and shouldn't ask for anything of her. I'm feeling very sad.

8 mo

baby care class

i just got home from an all day class on baby care and breast feeding. it was at the hospital where i'll be giving birth, it was good. informative. of course it was all couples and there was quite a bit of info given on ways that partners can help the mama and how much help mama will need. 

when we got to the introduction part of the class, early on thankfully, i was clear in stating that i am a single mom. and learned that there was one other single mom there as well. there was a "good for you!" response mixed with a little pity. the instructor still focussed a lot on couples, but with a bit more sensitivity. we learned how to swaddle, burp, bathe, diaper and breast feed babies using dolls. we also learned about safety, when to take the temperature and how, when to call the dr. i feel a bit more confident that i'll be ok with the basics, that i'll do well. 

i'm scared of the sleep deprivation and being so out of it without a constant support person to take some of the weight off. oh, i know i can do it, but i'm hoping i'll be able to enjoy some of my daughters newborn time. 

headache

the blender just fell on my head. i now have a cut on the bridge of my nose and lump on my forehead. this sent me into another crying spell. i'm getting a headache. geez. 

drop, crash

one of the things i've been fearing is happening. 

i was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 16 years ago and have been on medication for the majority of the time. i've been off for a year at the most, generally at about the year mark i crash, fall into a deep debilitating depression. it's starting to happen now.

a couple of weeks before i found out about the pregnancy i had weaned myself off of a medication in preparation to change to another. there was a delay in getting started on the new one due to difficulty in getting an appointment with a dr.  when i discovered the pregnancy i was relieved that the medication was out of my system. i feel very strongly against taking any anti-depressants while pregnant. i don't believe that any of them could be safe for a growing, forming person. 

so here i am in this horrible, familiar place and i cannot take the route i normally take to feel better. i'm feeling hopeless about my future....career, love, community, financial stability. i don't know where i belong anymore or what i should be doing. i used to feel that san francisco was my home, i don't anymore and am left feeling adrift, lost and confused. i know that happiness and contentment doesn't come from place alone, but from oneself. i have been through some very difficult times here, to dark places. i thought that being here again, near my oldest, closest friends would be good for me and the baby. it's great to see people, but they are also reminders of the bad places i have been. some of them were there with me. i have felt the pull to go back because it's easier to fall than climb. so far i've been holding strong for my mental health and baby. 

a few days ago i went to lunch with an old friend and an ex of hers. i had dated her friend at the same time so we were a group for a while. during that time i fell into my deepest depression yet and laded in a hospital for two weeks. i was unable to work for a few months. having lunch with this woman brought up a whole mass of emotions and memories. i think this is what triggered my current state. 

sexually i don't feel healthy. this has been an issue since i was very young. i was abused, some i remember clearly, other incidents i can only remember partially. i've fought the feeling that all i am good for is sex since i was about 13. it's been a battle and there have been times when my substantial sex drive has driven me to be with people that i don't like or respect. i think this happens when i am unhappy, isolated and bored. like i am now. what i really want is companionship, affection, friendship, understanding.... when i give in to my sexual desires during these times i end up feeling emptier and more lonely. 

i spend most days alone in an apartment that i don't feel is my home. most days i don't talk to anybody. i don't have a car and it's difficult and expensive (for me) to get around from where i now live. i'm online a lot. started visiting dating sites because of this massive lonliness and huge hormonal sex drive. i know this is not a good time to start dating someone, yet i keep "talking" (e-mailing) with people. i've been on a few dates, liked a couple of people but nothing has happened with them. i had a sexual experience on friday with someone that my dear friend set me up with. i trusted her and her description of him, but when i met him i was disappointed. i went through with it anyway and am left feeling very low. i never would have been with him if i was in a stronger place. 

i feel fragile. woke up sobbing this morning. i still try to get out of the house every day. i have crafty projects i want to work on, i actually got some supplies yesterday. they are surrounding my bed and i cannot focus enough to get started. i haven't been sleeping which doesn't help. i just want to be in bed all day. today i pulled out some paperwork, info on where to get mental health help. i need therapy, the places listed don't seem to offer therapy for low income, but only medication services. i have to look online i guess. 

just really at a loss.....trying to hold myself together

creepy sent me a text last night

i haven't heard a murmer from him for at least a couple of months. the text read " what's going on? am i supposed to forget that you exist?" Fuck!!!! how many times have i been painfully clear in explaining to him EXACTLY why he cannot be a part of my life or the baby's? many times, clearly, concisely, in list format even. all of this of course after many, many attempts to work out some kind of reasonable, adult agreement so that he could be a part of her life. once again, he never showed any interest in the baby only in trying to manipulate me to get back together with him. his insane, irrational behavior and my eventual fear of him is what has pushed me to this point! 

it's back

 i've not been sleeping much for weeks. verity is spinning and kicking like crazy, but it's also a lack of stimulation in my life that keeps me up. i'm going for a 1-2 mile walk every day plus walking my dog. other than that i have hours of unclaimed, unscheduled time. 

my mind has been taking me places that i'd prefer not to go. fantasies, longings, memories and wishes. i so wish i was working, i want to be busy and productive, distracted and stimulated. my sex drive came back and i'm so frustrated! i don't want this. i have no parter and dating at almost 8 months pregnant seems crazy....but my hyper sex drive is making me feel crazy. i cannot put the dreams and fantasies up here, they are much too sordid. i know this happens to lot's of pregnant women so at least i know it's normal. in all honesty it's torture. 

this is what i made today in photoshop. it will be on it's own in some form, but also as an element in another piece. it's not really finished, but suits the topic.

call from my first love

I just got a phone call from m first love "J". It was brief, but so good to hear from him. About 2 years ago I found him online. He's a painter, artist, and I was curious to see what he'd been up to, if he was successful. It turns out that indeed he is! He has his work in galleries regularly in NYC and Los Angeles. Close to a year ago I'd planned a trip to NY to visit a good friend, J lives in Brooklyn so we planned on trying to meet up. I never went on the trip and we stopped e-mailing for a while. 

I contacted again last week to tell him about my pregnancy and say hello. It turns out that his wife is also pregnant with a girl and due any day! He asked for my phone number and we just talked for the first time in about 13 years. He sounds good, like J. He congratulated me on the baby and told me how excited he is to hold his daughter. His wife is a lawyer and works with SNL. They are both doing really well in their careers, I'm genuinely happy for him. 

Of course this brought some stuff up for me. I sometimes feel like a huge failure at life, I guess mainly because I'm not happy, don't feel successful in my career, am poor and feel stuck. I want to feel fulfilled and satisfied, I just keep getting older and this path I'm on isn't working...I keep thinking that maybe I should move back to L.A. for the work....but I just don't know. J is another example of a partner I was with who was together, intelligent, supportive and inspirational. What happened to Me!? When did I stop being a successful, driven, inspired person? How can I get back there?