there are things that i'm always wanting to improve on...let's see...for 2009:

1) return my body to a close resemblance of my pre-pregnant self. this means going back to my healthy eating habits and exercising regularly. i usually walk alot and do yoga.

2) continue to get to know my baby girl and enjoy her babyhood.

3) keep current with makeup-what's happening in films, new products, techniques....i have to at least do this if i want to continue my career again at some point.

4)start the process of getting my cosmetology license to promote more regular, steady work

5) start the process of getting out of this feeling of poverty.
-things that make me feel poor are:
--being on calworks and not having enough money to cover everything every month
--not having a car
--not being able to afford to live in a more suitible living situation-more suited to my lifestyle, an environment that is creative, peaceful, light

6) decide where (what city, state} i want to live and raise my kid after clear thought, research and soul searching. i don't want to do what my mom did and move my daughter around excessively.

7) try to somehow feel like myself again. i've felt far from myself and kind of lost for the past 3ish years

8) maaaybe meet someone who i can have mutual respect, love and support with. and who of course likes kids and is good with mine.

i'm sure there are more, smaller things to work on, but this is enough for now.

being a mommy is having no time, rocking the stroller with my foot so she is calm and i can be on the computer, severe sleep deprivation, learning, sacrifices, getting to know her and myself as a mama, making choices/ decisions with her as the driving force, accepting that my body is not what is was and it will take time to get it back, becoming a complete adult, pediatrician appointments, vaccinations, car seats, breast pumps, sore boobies, unfolded laundry, quick meals, delayed phone calls, no time, no time, no time, knowing that she will teach me and i her, constant awareness of her health and safety, thoughts"can i do this" knowing that i can and am, so much love....and so much more

The Birth of Verity Rae

I was home in bed watching tv show’s online when it all started. At 12:30 am on Thursday Nov 20th my water broke. I couldn’t sleep as had become a nightly occurrence during the last few weeks of my pregnancy so was up late hoping to pass out from exhaustion. I got up to go to the bathroom where I lost my mucus plug, saw my bloody show and my water broke. It wasn’t a big gush, but a steady flow. Two days before a midwife had given me some strips of paper to test any clear discharge for amniotic fluid. The paper turned dark green/blue I knew immediately that this was it and felt a slight panic. I was alone and my main birth support person had left on a 3 day work trip the day before. “ok. The midwife said that I don’t need to rush to the hospital if my water breaks. I have 24 hours. Well, maybe I should call and ask.” I went online instead to read about broken water and what to do. I decided to call. The Perinatal Center was of course closed so I got their call center who called the Dr. who called me and told me to go to the hospital right away. Ok. How to get to the hospital. My options were to a) call a cab; b) wake my non-friend housemate; c) call my neighbor/aquaintance; d) call my old friend Max in SF. After running through each option I chose to call Max and wake her up. I didn’t want to be at the hospital alone or to have a lingering stranger with me at such an intense time. I’m so glad I called Max, she was and is being amazing. Max showed up about ½ hour later and we arrived at Alta Bates at 1:30am.

Max and I were brought into a curtained off cubicle area in triage. The nurse checked my vitals and tested the fluid with the same strips of paper. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and Verity’s heart rate was excellent. It was definite and I only had to wait for a room before being admitted to the hospital. At this point I was told that I could only have liquids until I gave birth. The birthing center was at full capacity so I wasn’t admitted until 4am. At this point I wasn’t having any contractions, they said I had up to 18 hours to wait for active labor to start naturally before they would have to induce. I was positive it would happen before then, I’d been having some pretty intense ( or so I thought) contractions in the days before. I later learned that the midwives had been keeping the Dr’s out so that I could have the full 18 hours. I had tested positive for strep b so was hooked up to a penicillin drip every few hours which burned like fire until they added a fluid drip to help dilute it. There is a risk of infection when the water breaks early so every hour or so my temp and heart rate were taken. I waited until 5:30 am to call my mom so she wouldn’t drive 4 hours in the dark. I woke her and half asleep she said “Ok well, I’m going to work this afternoon” Um, it’s happening Mom, I’m in the hospital. Thankfully she finally got it and showed up at around 2pm. I started to have light, infrequent contractions and after 13 hours I wasn’t progressing like we’d all hoped. I still wanted to wait the full 18 to hopefully avoid the pitocin. My contractions started to get a bit more intense and painful, some in my back some in front. I hadn’t been checked for dilation yet because of the risk of infection, but after about 15 hours I asked them to. I was not dilated at all. It was then that I was given the 3 options to help ripen my cervix 1) a bulbous contraption inserted; 2) a smaller device that hooks onto the outside of the cervix and releases meds slowly 3) I don’t remember. I think these were to be used before resorting to pitocin. I had them give me some time to think it over. At this point I became very sad that things were turning out this way that it was looking like there had to be some intervention. I was resistant to it until one of the midwives explained to me that sometimes we have to give up control when things become out of our control. I called my Doula who came shortly after and told me that it is still my birth, my experience and no matter what happened it was all done to bring the baby safely into the world. She was amazing, more about her later. I chose the small device. As I was laying in bed hooked up to IV’s on the verge of tears I had a strong contraction which brought the nurse and midwife running into the room. “Lay on your side!”, I didn’t respond immediately out of exhaustion “Lay on your side!” and they helped me. Verity’s heart rate had dropped from 140 to 88. I was then told that because there was no or little water left the cord was being compressed causing her heart rate to drop. At that point I gave up all reservations about intervention and accepted the situation as it was. Whatever you have to do to save her. They started the pitocin. It only took several minutes for the intense, excruciating contractions to begin. My birth team was wonderful and this was the very positive part of the process. The Doula is new, in training but naturally gifted. She is a massage therapist as well so knew the pressure points to help lessen the pain. She was warm, gently in control and guided the rest of the team in how to help me. I had people all around me massaging, pressing points, reminding me to breathe, telling me how well I was doing. The pitocin machine was increasing it’s dosage automatically and every time I heard the machine click I knew the pain would be closer to unbearable. I’d slipped into a sleep deprived, over exhausted, pain induced trance-like state. I couldn’t talk, or respond other than to suggestions about my breathing. I was mostly quiet with my eyes closed. About 6 hours before I gave birth Allegra, my main support person showed up. I’d texted her to tell her I was in the hospital. She was very upset that she wasn’t there and made the decision to leave her work conference early. She easily joined into the rhythm of the rest of the team, which allowed a couple of people to take short breaks. The pain had become unbearable and I felt like I was dying. I was having back and front labor- like 100 knives simultaneously in my back and front and then re-inserted into open wounds. At this point I asked for the epidural. I was then checked for dilation, I was only at 1cm and had to be at 4 before they would do that. I was given another pain medication to “help me get through until I could get the epidural” It did nothing. I was no longer quiet, but moaning. About 3 hours later I started shaking and begging for the epidural, I was checked an hour later and was at 7cm . Yep from 1cm to 7cm in 4 hours! The epidural was ordered. My contractions had gotten so horrible that I was screaming and feeling like I had to push. Finally the epidural came. The Dr tried to tell me about the risks and procedure, but I already knew and said “just do it!”. The room was cleared except for Allegra, the anesthesiologist and a nurse. I sat up on the bed leaning forward on Allegra while it was inserted into my spine. I don’t remember feeling anything. I had two more horrible contractions after that and then peace. Thank you. I was able to lay quietly on the bed for a while pain free. I even dozed off for a few minutes. It was out of this restful period that I was once again shocked into reality. I opened my eyes and the room was swarming with people I said “ Why are there so many people in here!”. A Dr, midwives and nurses were discussing what to do to best get the baby out. Someone said “we need to figure out quickly how to get the baby out safely”. An oxygen mask was put on my face. Every time I had a contraction her heart rate went down. My mom said at that point I had a look of terror on my face. It hit me that my baby could die. They had me lay on my side to push each time I had a contraction. My contractions were spaced pretty far apart for that point of labor. I was pushing pretty well, but she wasn’t coming out. There was no time so they had to use the vacuum. She came out healthy with a slightly bruised head and was placed on my belly, then chest. I had some pretty severe tearing near my urethra so I had to be stitched up and the baby taken. I couldn’t breast feed right away like I’d hoped.

Two hours later we were moved to a shared recovery room, separated by a curtain. I was lucky enough to get the window side which was a full wall with a view of the roof garden. The nurses were wonderful. All of them were very knowledgeable. I was having some trouble with breastfeeding, she wasn’t latching, and they helped me figure it out. I was in recovery for two nights and felt very well taken care of. I even had the full room to myself for one night. A new roommate moved in the last night and brought tons of people with her. They were loud and there until 11pm, then back at 8am the next morning. At this point I couldn’t wait to get home. My mom had stayed in the hospital with me and has continued to be wonderful support.

I'm now recovering at home physically and emotionally. I'm terrified, in love, joyful, overwhelmed, exhausted, worried, hopeful and most of all learning how to be a mama.

Verity Rae Is Here!

Nov 21, 8:26 am, 7lbs

I'm so in love with her it's overwhelming. The birth story will come soon....too tired now

Bernie

He's home with me now and has improved quite a bit. He is still very wobbly on his legs and easily falls over, but it's hopeful that he has use of his legs at all. The vet gave him a steroid shot and it is working to decrease swelling around his spine. He's not eating much or drinking water, I don't think he feels very well. I'm keeping him in my room so he will rest and not try to over exert himself.

It's still scary and very sad. He's usually very playful and he seems depressed right now:(

Heartbroken. My beloved companion, sweet dog Bernie is in trouble

I just got home from being at the vet for 7 hours.

I love my Bernie so much. I rescued him 8 years ago and he's been my buddy, my devoted, loving companion....at times it's been just us, me and my dog. He's helped me through some really rough times. I've never been so attached to an animal.

Today we went to the dog park, he hadn't been for months and I knew he needed to run around and play. He had a great time until he was attacked by a larger dog. He seemed ok at first, there was no broken skin and he was running around normally. We only stayed a couple minutes after that happened. When we got in the car (I was with my friend as well) I noticed he was panting and shifting around uncomfortably. I though he was probably just scared and thirsty so i gave him some water and comforted him a bit. He also seemed really tired, but I thought that was normal after running around the dog park. We stopped and got some food, Bernie in the car with water, in the shade and windows rolled down. I was starting to feel uneasy, like there was something wrong with him. We had planned to drop him off at home and go grocery shopping. When we got to my place and he jumped out of the car he fell, his legs gave out. I freaked out of course, brought him inside and got him to walk around a bit. He kept falling forward. First his left front leg was giving out, then both front legs, then all of his legs and he couldn't walk at all. I felt him all over checking for pain and he didn't cry, didn't feel any pain. I'd been squeezing his squeeky toy to get him to walk and he was trying, he wanted to play, but he just fell over. Oh gawd it was so heartbreaking.I found an emergency vet, called and took him in.

I learned that Bernie has a heart murmer that must be fairly new because no other vet has noticed it. The Vet also believes that Bernies problems could be from a spinal injury. So, he's in trouble and I'm completely devastated, can't stop crying. I had to leave him there tonight for observation and some procedures. They are giving him shots to reduce any possible swelling around his spinal cord which may be causing the problem. He hasn't had any major neurological tests yet, they will run up to a few thousand if he needs them. I feel so awful, so worried for him, he's so scared and I hated leaving him over night. I don't know what I'll do without him if he doesn't get through this.

I have no money so had to call my mom who has no money to ask her to help me with her credit card. Thankfully she understands what it's like to love a pet and she's putting it on her card. I'm not sure that she could cover the huge costs of neurological tests though. I'm just so heartbroken and hoping for the best, that he will be improving by the morning.

tea towel

This is what I made as a gift for my friends birthday. I will also make some banana bread because she loves it.

The Countdown

I'm 38 weeks tomorrow! I've recovered from my meltdown about finances and social services. At least for now I feel stronger and like I can handle it. After talking to some friends I feel it's the right choice to get my Cosmetology license. Yes, I would love to go for my master's instead, but I'm trying to be practical. I could teach with my master's, but I have no teaching experience. I've been doing makeup and some hair styling for a long time, I figure I should build on what I know and where my confidence and experience is.

At this moment I'm in my usual nightly spot. Pajamas on, sitting on my bed with my laptop. Tonight my dog is farting in his sleep! Pretty powerful. I'm over tired and haven't had a solid night sleep for weeks.

I made my ex and good friend a birthday present today. If I remember I'll post a pic here. She's coming to town for her birthday, but I won't get to see her on her b-day. It hurts my feelings, she's going to dinner with other friends, who she met when we were together. I'm guessing her girlfriend may be there and she would be uncomfortable. I could ask I guess.

I'm still pretty miserable physically. It's so uncomfortable to do anything! Today I dropped some change on the floor at a store and said "oh no!" because I knew it would be impossible for me to pick it up. It was so sweet though, the cashier picked it up for me. My contractions are getting more intense and I thought I was in labor on Sunday night. They came every 3-7 minutes for about an hour. I was going to call my support people, but they slowed down to every 1/2 hour to hour all night. The next day I only had a few. They are painful and it hurts to walk, stand up, ride in a car or anything that moves. My hips and back hurt. I'm complaining, but also just stating the facts so I can remember what ir was like at this point later on.

I'm so, so, so ready for this baby to come

stay in the system for more education or get out asap?

I'm now 37 weeks pregnant and completely exhausted. I've been running around (waddling, walking slowly) trying to get school and childcare in place for a Jan. 14 start date. A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to get my Cosmetology license so that I don't have to rely solely on sporadic, unpredictable freelance Makeup jobs. I figure now that I'll be the sole supporter of a child I'd better be able to get a steady job. I'll have the option of working in a salon with my license. It's no easy task getting around these days, especially on public transport, but I'm doing it.

I'm on CalWorks, which is welfare. I learned that they will help with childcare, transport and school supplies so I'm jumping through the hoops to get all of this in place. Yes, it's great that at least this exists in this country, but it is not made easy. It's also humiliating, not empowering. Yesterday I went to a meeting with the Calworks rep at the school I will be attending and learned, among other gems, that I will be required to complete a monthly progress report to be signed by the instructor. Yeah just like grade school. I'm a fucking adult and am making the choice to go back to school. I also learned that if my baby is sick and I have to stay home with her for more than a few days/semester I may be kicked out of the program. Oh and childcare is only covered starting an hour before class starts (8am) and to an hour after class ends. I don't have a car so getting to childcare, then to class could easily take more than an hour and I just don't have the cash to pay for extra childcare hours. I left feeling pretty overwhelmed and down. Today was no better. I went to a mandatory "welfare to Work" orientation. The class was given one of those horrible bubble tests and then we met with a counselor individually. The woman I was stuck with was short tempered and nasty, rushing me through paperwork, telling me to read and then rushing me to sign like 30 seconds later. I now have to make an appointment for another orientation for childcare. This means that I have to go to another social services office. Seriously, it's hell just walking a block these days.

The "system" does not work to make people feel like they can do it. It's complex and the more you try to help yourself to get out the deeper you get into it. It's very easy to fall through the cracks, to miss a piece of paperwork or misunderstand something which could end your benefits without warning. I left the orientation today feeling extremely overwhelmed and like I just want out. I'm now questioning whether I should get my license or just look for a random job once my baby can be in childcare. My skills are very specific. If I want consistent employment I'm really only qualified for some kind of retail/service job. My office skills are so so, I can do reception basically. Is it worth it to keep myself on welfare for two years to get my license? Can I do it? I feel like shit having to rely on this help. The cash aid isn't even enough to pay my full rent per month. School is 32 hours/week and I'll have to work pt to pay for my bills.

Had a sobbing session starting about a block from my house. This is not where I want to be, not who I saw myself as at this age. Yes there are different levels of poverty, but I do feel poor. All of this social services crap makes me feel even more poor and honestly kind of worthless...especially since I have a degree and I've been working so incredibly hard to build my career and get out of poverty for so many years. It's all I do! I've been doing something wrong. I know this is self pitying. I'm just very frustrated, overwhelmed and upset.

Obama!

Election night was amazing! I started watching cnn online at 4pm until I went to a viewing party around 7pm. My friend and her teenage daughter picked me up and we watched the results come in with a room packed full of Obama supporters. The party was organized by a theater troupe at their theater. What a great crowd. One minute I was getting nervous because McCain was gaining (a little) and the next Obama was President Elect!

This was a history making night. I've never experienced anything like it. We cheered in the theater but when we stepped outside we were greeted by pure joy, euphoria. The mood in Berkley was incredible! EVERYBODY was happy! Honking horns cheering, waving. There was so much releif and hope in the air. We drove around for a while joining in the celebrations then parked and walked a little. My adrenaline was keeping me going.

I'm thrilled that although this country is a mess right now, there is finally some hope.

Voting was easy

I just got home from voting. My polling place is 2 blocks from my house, so the walk was bearable. At least the way there, I had some more intense contractions on the return. Anyway, The line wasn't very long so I didn't ask to go first, but nobody offered which kind of surprised me. I'd been hearing that people let pregnant woman go first. Oh well. It took a total of 20 minutes.

The polling place was at a middle school and the kids were chanting vote for Obama! It was pretty cute. I feel very nervous, excited and want to be around other Obama supporters. I don't want to go anywhere alone however. I'm hoping to hear back from friends about joining me somewhere.

Happy voting! Let's hope for a happy ending.

reflecting-mom to be

as the birth of my daughter is imminent i've been reflecting on what my life has been so far.
the past has been coming forward, as it does from time to time.
complications of the layers, overlapping lives, adventures
my image of me, or what people see, have seen

bad girl:
tattoos and piercings, vixen, parties,
underground, hidden, stubborn, strong, blunt
fierce eyes

shy girl:
quiet, soft spoken, sweet, gentle
domestic, baking, sewing, love
it takes time to know her

sad girl:
wanting connection, lonely, desperately sad, insecure
crying, sleepless nights, aching, lost, old
sad eyes

smart girl:
reading, listening, questioning, thinking, observing, debating
education, always learning, open, world wise, funny, strong
bright

professional lady:
dedicated, organized, knowledgeable, talented, experienced, research
artsy, calm
adult

adventurous girl:
travels, takes lovers, explores, takes risks
wanderlust, not settling down, moving, changes
in and out of control of her life

Soon I am to be a mother. In fact I feel like a mother now. I wonder what my selves will be when I am always responsible for another person? I can feel myself changing and finally it seems I am more a woman than a girl. Oh I've been a woman for a long time but maybe not as much an adult as I could be. As all mothers do I want to protect my daughter from the hardships I've experienced. I want for her to know the joys I've known as well, and to be an innocent child for longer than I was.

looking up

So things are starting to look a bit more positive overall and it feels good. My support person and I had a talk over the weekend and worked through the issues. There are still differences in beliefs about what friendship is, but it's ok. I feel much better, and that she will be here for me. I also asked another friend to be a backup just in case and have been trying to find a "Doula in training", I've contacted about 10 via e-mail and so far no luck. They need to attend births as the final part of their training so the cost is low or free.

I've also started researching childcare and looked at an amazing place today that's right across the street from my house!. I love it and put Verity on a waitlist. They take babies starting at 4 mo. I'll need childcare before then so am looking at some other places to fill in until there's an opening at this place.

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking that I should look into getting my Cosmetology license. The local community college has a program and because I am so poor I'll get my books, supplies, childcare and transportation covered. I was afraid that I wouldn't get any financial aid because my student loans (from my BFA) are in default, yeah surprising I can't pay the $650/mo they want and they won't work out any kind of payment plan. Anyway, again because I'm poor and soon to be a mom the tuition will be waived! I chose to get my license so that I'll be able to work in salons. I've been doing freelance makeup for 10 years for film, tv, etc, but I can't rely on the instability of freelance only now that I have to take care of someone else. My little family...myself, my dog and my baby :-). I'm a little bit insecure about going through this program at my age, but then I think of a makeup artist I know who did the same thing and she was older than me, 42. She's now 45 and has a great job. She still does some freelance when she can.

I've also started therapy which I think will be helpful, it has been in the past.

Something has switched inside of me and even though I'm pretty stressed and depressed I'm feeling a bit more hopeful.

may have lost my support person

my best friend had agreed to be THE person when I go into labor and now I wonder if I've lost her. I've been feeling especially lonely and alone and that she is not present. I expected this would happen when I moved out of her house because it has in the past. With her it's out of sight out of mind...or out of schedule, calender, etc. She's started online dating and goes on dates with several people, sometimes several a week. She also has some weekly commitments with other friends and often doesn't answer her phone or call back. I've been getting increasingly anxious that for some reason she wont be available, wont come through when I go into labor. Worrying about finding myself completely on my own to get to the hospital. This has been a major reason (among others) why I haven't been able to sleep.

Late last night I sent her an email telling her of my concerns. I just got back from my now weekly Dr's apt to find an angry response from her. She didn't understand where I was coming from. I was trying to tell her how fragile I'm feeling, that I really need her support emotionally, that it would be great if she called me more often and maybe came by sometimes. We live only a couple of miles from each other so for her it's a very easy drive. For me to get to her house is much more challenging on public transport and over 8 months pregnant. She has been a good friend in many ways, I know that and I've told her, shown her how much I appreciate it many times. I guess the support she gives is more material and less emotional. I've come to believe that she is not capable of giving as much as I currently need and I have to accept that about her. There are very few people that I feel comfortable asking for help/support and she has been one until now. In her response she said "I let you stay at my house! I threw you a baby shower!". Yes these are good friend things to do, but she really didn't get what I was saying, got angry and defensive and said some very harsh things that I don't need to hear right now. I can't handle her anger, I'm not strong enough, so I've decided that I shouldn't talk to her for a while and shouldn't ask for anything of her. I'm feeling very sad.

8 mo

baby care class

i just got home from an all day class on baby care and breast feeding. it was at the hospital where i'll be giving birth, it was good. informative. of course it was all couples and there was quite a bit of info given on ways that partners can help the mama and how much help mama will need. 

when we got to the introduction part of the class, early on thankfully, i was clear in stating that i am a single mom. and learned that there was one other single mom there as well. there was a "good for you!" response mixed with a little pity. the instructor still focussed a lot on couples, but with a bit more sensitivity. we learned how to swaddle, burp, bathe, diaper and breast feed babies using dolls. we also learned about safety, when to take the temperature and how, when to call the dr. i feel a bit more confident that i'll be ok with the basics, that i'll do well. 

i'm scared of the sleep deprivation and being so out of it without a constant support person to take some of the weight off. oh, i know i can do it, but i'm hoping i'll be able to enjoy some of my daughters newborn time. 

headache

the blender just fell on my head. i now have a cut on the bridge of my nose and lump on my forehead. this sent me into another crying spell. i'm getting a headache. geez. 

drop, crash

one of the things i've been fearing is happening. 

i was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 16 years ago and have been on medication for the majority of the time. i've been off for a year at the most, generally at about the year mark i crash, fall into a deep debilitating depression. it's starting to happen now.

a couple of weeks before i found out about the pregnancy i had weaned myself off of a medication in preparation to change to another. there was a delay in getting started on the new one due to difficulty in getting an appointment with a dr.  when i discovered the pregnancy i was relieved that the medication was out of my system. i feel very strongly against taking any anti-depressants while pregnant. i don't believe that any of them could be safe for a growing, forming person. 

so here i am in this horrible, familiar place and i cannot take the route i normally take to feel better. i'm feeling hopeless about my future....career, love, community, financial stability. i don't know where i belong anymore or what i should be doing. i used to feel that san francisco was my home, i don't anymore and am left feeling adrift, lost and confused. i know that happiness and contentment doesn't come from place alone, but from oneself. i have been through some very difficult times here, to dark places. i thought that being here again, near my oldest, closest friends would be good for me and the baby. it's great to see people, but they are also reminders of the bad places i have been. some of them were there with me. i have felt the pull to go back because it's easier to fall than climb. so far i've been holding strong for my mental health and baby. 

a few days ago i went to lunch with an old friend and an ex of hers. i had dated her friend at the same time so we were a group for a while. during that time i fell into my deepest depression yet and laded in a hospital for two weeks. i was unable to work for a few months. having lunch with this woman brought up a whole mass of emotions and memories. i think this is what triggered my current state. 

sexually i don't feel healthy. this has been an issue since i was very young. i was abused, some i remember clearly, other incidents i can only remember partially. i've fought the feeling that all i am good for is sex since i was about 13. it's been a battle and there have been times when my substantial sex drive has driven me to be with people that i don't like or respect. i think this happens when i am unhappy, isolated and bored. like i am now. what i really want is companionship, affection, friendship, understanding.... when i give in to my sexual desires during these times i end up feeling emptier and more lonely. 

i spend most days alone in an apartment that i don't feel is my home. most days i don't talk to anybody. i don't have a car and it's difficult and expensive (for me) to get around from where i now live. i'm online a lot. started visiting dating sites because of this massive lonliness and huge hormonal sex drive. i know this is not a good time to start dating someone, yet i keep "talking" (e-mailing) with people. i've been on a few dates, liked a couple of people but nothing has happened with them. i had a sexual experience on friday with someone that my dear friend set me up with. i trusted her and her description of him, but when i met him i was disappointed. i went through with it anyway and am left feeling very low. i never would have been with him if i was in a stronger place. 

i feel fragile. woke up sobbing this morning. i still try to get out of the house every day. i have crafty projects i want to work on, i actually got some supplies yesterday. they are surrounding my bed and i cannot focus enough to get started. i haven't been sleeping which doesn't help. i just want to be in bed all day. today i pulled out some paperwork, info on where to get mental health help. i need therapy, the places listed don't seem to offer therapy for low income, but only medication services. i have to look online i guess. 

just really at a loss.....trying to hold myself together

creepy sent me a text last night

i haven't heard a murmer from him for at least a couple of months. the text read " what's going on? am i supposed to forget that you exist?" Fuck!!!! how many times have i been painfully clear in explaining to him EXACTLY why he cannot be a part of my life or the baby's? many times, clearly, concisely, in list format even. all of this of course after many, many attempts to work out some kind of reasonable, adult agreement so that he could be a part of her life. once again, he never showed any interest in the baby only in trying to manipulate me to get back together with him. his insane, irrational behavior and my eventual fear of him is what has pushed me to this point! 

it's back

 i've not been sleeping much for weeks. verity is spinning and kicking like crazy, but it's also a lack of stimulation in my life that keeps me up. i'm going for a 1-2 mile walk every day plus walking my dog. other than that i have hours of unclaimed, unscheduled time. 

my mind has been taking me places that i'd prefer not to go. fantasies, longings, memories and wishes. i so wish i was working, i want to be busy and productive, distracted and stimulated. my sex drive came back and i'm so frustrated! i don't want this. i have no parter and dating at almost 8 months pregnant seems crazy....but my hyper sex drive is making me feel crazy. i cannot put the dreams and fantasies up here, they are much too sordid. i know this happens to lot's of pregnant women so at least i know it's normal. in all honesty it's torture. 

this is what i made today in photoshop. it will be on it's own in some form, but also as an element in another piece. it's not really finished, but suits the topic.

call from my first love

I just got a phone call from m first love "J". It was brief, but so good to hear from him. About 2 years ago I found him online. He's a painter, artist, and I was curious to see what he'd been up to, if he was successful. It turns out that indeed he is! He has his work in galleries regularly in NYC and Los Angeles. Close to a year ago I'd planned a trip to NY to visit a good friend, J lives in Brooklyn so we planned on trying to meet up. I never went on the trip and we stopped e-mailing for a while. 

I contacted again last week to tell him about my pregnancy and say hello. It turns out that his wife is also pregnant with a girl and due any day! He asked for my phone number and we just talked for the first time in about 13 years. He sounds good, like J. He congratulated me on the baby and told me how excited he is to hold his daughter. His wife is a lawyer and works with SNL. They are both doing really well in their careers, I'm genuinely happy for him. 

Of course this brought some stuff up for me. I sometimes feel like a huge failure at life, I guess mainly because I'm not happy, don't feel successful in my career, am poor and feel stuck. I want to feel fulfilled and satisfied, I just keep getting older and this path I'm on isn't working...I keep thinking that maybe I should move back to L.A. for the work....but I just don't know. J is another example of a partner I was with who was together, intelligent, supportive and inspirational. What happened to Me!? When did I stop being a successful, driven, inspired person? How can I get back there?

postcard size

another night with photoshop

today

i made 

tofu scramble with olive tapenade and lot's of garlic 

wheat toast

sliced oranges

decaf italian roast

a delicious breakfast for myself. bernie had a carrot, his dry food and water

today i find myself yearning to be in a relationship. how lovely it would be to make breakfast for two. to wake up with someone that i love and respect. it's been a long time and i'm missing it so much.

i guess i didn't realize that this is what i truly want until i met someone that i clicked with. i've dated over the past 3(?) years since my last major relationship. i've even been in a 9 month relationship. none of the people i was with were right for me and i knew it, i guess i settled for a while and then left each of them for various reasons. one turned out to have serious addiction problems and all of the behaviors that come with an addiction, or multiple. he lied and cheated. then there was the married man who eventually told me that his wife didn't actually know that they were separated. next the marijuana grower who was very cute and sweet but too young and unstable. medicinal marijuana is fine, but a grower is a drug dealer when it comes down to it. the last turned out to be a grower, an alcoholic and mentally unstable. he also fathered my baby. the people i was with before my last real relationship were all successful, creative, intelligent, educated. my standards dropped so low and i will now be more careful about who i spend my time with. 

i sometimes wonder if dating people like the above may have been a punishment for myself for initiating the end of my last, long term loving relationship. she was/is a great person and we have so much in common. there was mutual respect, support, love and friendship. she doesn't do drugs, works in the entertainment industry (as do i) as a producer, is an artist, funny, real, honest. you guessed it, i still love her. we are friends and talk a lot, but will not be in a relationship again. 

i'm soon to have a baby and this complicates things. i can't see how it is possible to enter a serious relationship, as much as i want it. this makes me sad, but it is the beginning of a new life in which i will be thinking of my child first, before my needs.

a crush

I broke my vow to not date. Last night I met someone that I'd been talking to a bit online. He's in town from L.A. for work and asked if I wanted to meet him. I had developed an online crush so decided to see if we liked each other in person. We met at a bar, I had 7up, he's charming, easy to talk with, attractive, we have plenty in common from what I know so far. The crush has held out. We talked easily for about 2 hours until he had to catch the train back to his friends. It's been a while since I've genuinely liked someone and felt a connection. The problem is that he lives in L.A. and neither of us want's to get into a long distance relationship. I felt sad when we parted last night and then today. I have to move on but knowing how rare it is to meet someone that I really connect with makes it difficult. We may stay in contact and become friends, but maybe not. 

Fab gifts from friends

My friend made this!

The Onesies

Baby's 1st beater, boa, beanie and briefs

also...

some new-ish symptoms. i feel sick to my stomach every morning, after i eat. i can not longer have my decaf. i told the nurse/midwife about it last week and she said it was probably a flu. i don't think it is, flu's don't usually last this long. i eat, go online, then start to feel sick enough to lie down for a while. it's starting to happen now. i haven't been sleeping so that could be a part of it, or maybe it's what i eat for breakfast. i don't know. i have an appointment next thursday so will tell them again that i feel sick every morning. 

relieved by this at least

i'm so relieved that my sex drive has plummeted. it was distracting and honestly making me feel crazy. i at least feel stronger in being alone in that way. i'm abstaining until i am healthily through birth, recovery and at least somewhat adjusted to being a new mother. any dates until then will be friend dates. 

30 weeks

today i am 30 weeks pregnant.

i'm finding myself sometimes dwelling in terror on the birth process. i have this creeping fear that i or the baby will die. i know, it's not so common anymore to die in childbirth, but it did happen often not too long ago.

maybe it's because i've been reading a blog by a guy who's wife died in the hospital after giving birth. this happened 5 months ago and he is a single dad to his infant daughter. also, about a year ago a friend's baby died during birth.

who would raise my baby if i died? my mother is the first thought, but she is in her 60's. if she couldn't then my aunt susan, if not her then my dear friend who has been considering fostering kids when her youngest leaves home in a few years.

i've read that it is normal to be scared of giving birth, most women are, especially the first time. it feels like it's just around the corner, close enough to reach out and tap my back.

i'm ready to have my body back and to meet my daughter, but so scared.

I heart my friends

My friends threw an awesome baby shower for me today. I love them and have to stop being such a recluse! I like spending lot's of time alone but sometimes with amazing, sweet and brilliant people like my friends. I feel so lucky. My friends 15 y/o daughter made up and made this game, "pin the sperm on the egg". Each sperm has a different personality. It was so cute. More pics to come soon.

1st birth prep class

i went to a class called "coping with labor pain" today. there were so many people there, all couples. thankfully my bff and birthing partner came with me, otherwise i would have been the only pregnant woman there alone. 

it was an overview of what happens during labor, all of the stages. more like a seminar than the small intimate group setting i'd imagined. there was some useful info though and i'm glad i went. 

fall

stepping slowly through the breeze, between crisp brown and red, floating in waves above my head.

i didn't bring a sweater

it's ok, i'll take the chill in to revive me

it's fall, and though it's mild, my spirit is shifting to ride with the season

my body heavy with baby i reflect on falls past and smile that she will be born into this, one of my favorite times of year

sunday 8/7

woke up around 5:30, got up around 10:30. 

still very tired. 

can't shake this depression. 

should be happy to be over 7 months pregnant. 

always wanted my own family. 

just. 

so. 

sad. 

lonely. 

i would be on anti depressants if i wasn't pregnant. 

usually am. 

don't care if dr's say some are safe for babies. 

don't believe it. 

blind date stirred some things up. 

not sure i like it. 

wish i had no sexual desires and could put these needs out of my mind and body. 

making things more difficult.

insane hormones! 

baby clothes washed.

have more to put in dresser.

have to write a birth plan.

read the parenting books.

so.

bored.

feel isolated.

hard to get anywhere from new place.

no car.

transport expensive and sparse.

when will i feel good again?

got to feel better.

have to.

for verity.

what.

should.

i.

do?

unhappy where i am physically, emotionally, mentally.

letter to a stranger

because i feel like writing and why not to you? why you? i guess because you propmted me to think about some things. i know our meeting was not fantastic, but it did make me re-realize some things about myself, and that is positive. listening to you talk about your projects was inspiring, but also nastalgic. you are an interesting person, i said to my  friend" if i was in my 20's i would be head over for this guy, but i'm so different now and i don't fall easily". i used to fall for someone's accomplishments before knowing the person. i suppose i know myself better, am stronger. after leaving you i began to remember how i used to be before i was consumed by the survival drudgery. it made me miss myself and long to be her again, a mature version. i love to be busy, it makes me feel alive and happy. 

i miss being enmeshed in an arts community...the thinking processes, well really thinking more deeply on many levels...conceptual, exploring ideas, research, experimentation, exploration...i believe i took that lifestyle for granted not really knowing how crucial some of it was to my happiness. i suppose i had begun to think of these things before our meeting. wondering how i can put myself back in that place, i'm sure i will figure it out someday. i made short films and some installations. i had my work shown in european film fastivals, toronto dance clubs, san francisco galleries....i never wanted to be a gallery artisi, i guess it is as i've said, i like to make things for the process. i do love working on film sets, in the middles of the action. my job is intimate and i like working closely with the actors. i am always on hand, on set as long as the actors are. my work is creative, but i still feel unfulfilled.

feeling unfulfilled is precisely why i do not want to get seriously involved with somebody. i am not at my best, i am not where i want to be in life. i have been there and i know what it feels like. when i feel that i am truly back to myself with a full life then i will be ready to fall in love. as much as i miss it, i know it would not work for me or the other person. the last time i was in love was with the woman i moved to l.a. with. outside life choices on my part contributed to our sex life completely disappearing. this lack of intimacy is what broke us up. since then 3 different people have fallen in love with me and i have not felt the same. i made bad choices and became involved with people that i knew were wrong for me. i am so wary now and careful. i hope at some point to fall in love mutually again but even more to be back to my full self.

g

the awkward date

i don't really like dating, it's so silly. i always feel awkward if it's the first time meeting somebody. maybe it's blind dating that i don't like. 

we met at a pizza/pub at 4:30. i had gotten there early because i was hungry, by the time he got there i'd already finished eating. i thought it was a drinks date anyway. he ordered dinner, oops, and i ordered a non alcoholic beer. he launched into typical getting to know a stranger questions. what kind of music do you like? what do you do for fun? you know, the basics. he then started telling me all about his life, what he does. lot's of talking which was fine because i was feeling quiet. maybe it was nervous talking, i don't know. 

he's handsome. about 5'10", slender, defined jaw, blue eyes. i like the way he dresses too (superficial yes). he was wearing a maroon cowboy shirt with checkered pants and a grandpa hat. he's very active in the art world, bay area circles, and has a million things going on. he's in a large gallery show right now, is working on an art/performance event, writing art reviews and teaching. he has an "art star" aura about him and may be a bit cocky. 

there was some awkward silence when it was time to go. he made some nasty sexual comments, to test the waters i think. in front of the restaurant he pulled me close, grabbed the back of my hair and asked me if i wanted him to fuck me. then kissed me. i have to say it was unexpected and i was taken aback...not sure whether i liked it or was turned on...

i'm not sure if this will happen, i'm a bit unsure and i believe he is too. it's no big deal if it doesn't.

a date

I'm in the process of making a first date with someone I met online. He sounds great. He's my age, lives close by, is a creative writing teacher at an art school and published author. What he wrote about himself and what he is looking for matches so well with my interests/self. We are both interested in something not instantly serious, light and fun. And he's totally fine with the pregnancy. I've made it clear that I'm not out looking for a daddy for my baby, just someone to spend a little time with, go on dates and have some fun. Maybe a good bond could form with time, friendship or other. Yaaay! I'm hoping it works out well. 

life randomness and choices

I spent the weekend in Sacramento at my aunt Sue's house. It was sooooo good to be away for a couple of days. We haven't spent much time together for several years. Some things happened that made it difficult....I can't get into it, it's the past and way too painful to bring up here. She bought this house a few years ago and I hadn't been there. It's lovely, she's decorated it so nicely and has a big back yard with a banana tree, grapefruit tree, orange tree, vegetable garden, pond and fountain. I love it. Being there made me realize once again that I really, really want a house of my own for me and my little family. On Sat before I went away I went to two parties at friends houses, they have their own places and I felt the yearning...

Also while away I found myself thinking a lot about what I will do after the baby is born. Where do I want to live? What is most important to me? How do I want my life to look? I think top importance is a better quality of life and friends/family close by. Quality of life for me means work that I like, enough income to buy a house and not be constantly struggling, an area that has quality food available, good schools, a creative community, art/film/music, liberal politics, good transportation. I just don't know anymore where this place is. I've found that I'm not as in love with the Bay Area as I used to be. Maybe it's changed a lot or I have. An aunt recently moved to England and my mom and step father want to move back. Maybe this is the place? There is a tiny chance of an amazing job for me there within the next year. If that comes true then I think I would go there. My cousin want's me to share an apartment with him in Hollywood. I don't know that I'm up for that anymore, L.A. is awful unless you have a great job and lot's of money. He would be a great, positive male influence for my daughter and he loves kids. 

I can't really make a choice now. I have to make it work in my current situation for at least 6 months. My housemate bugs me already and it's only been two weeks. Her eating disorder is proving to be more of an issue than I thought it would be. She's recently started questioning me about my finances and it's totally inappropriate. Last week I asked her to write a letter stating how much rent I pay, when I moved in and how much I paid to move in. I mentioned that it was for Medical, that I had to report my new address. She' been asking questions since then like " have you had problems bouncing checks in the past?" "Do you do a lot of under the table work so you can get medical?" and almost every morning"Do you have a job today?". I was very honest with her at the interview. I told her that I work freelance as a Makeup Artist and also do temp office work. Sometimes I work a lot and sometimes not at all. Also, because I'm pregnant I will have to stop working at some point for a few months, at that point I will be getting some assistance. She was fine with all of that and wanted me to move in. I truly hope this situation can get better and more comfortable. She is hard to be around so when she's home I stay in my room most of the time. I will try to be more compassionate with regards to her eating disorder and ask her not to ask me personal questions about my finances. 

i love craft swaps

Here's a fun thing that I'm doing! Hooray I thought of something! I signed up for a craft swap site and I just finished it. It's a postcard to be sent to 2 people. :)

glucose test day

I'm very ready to have an easy, happy day. I'd love to feel content and like things are allright...very soon. I think a big part may be the lack of sleep combined with pregnancy hormones and of course situational stress. 

I was told not to eat anything from midnight last night for my glucose test this morning. I ate some pasta at 11:30 pm and got no sleep. To get to the perinatal center I had to leave 1.5 hours before my appointment and take 2 busses. I made it there 10 minutes early, signed in and waited. After 1/2 hour I checked with reception explaining that I had a glucose test scheduled "we don't do those here, you have your prenatal". The test was done across the street so I didn't flip out. I was made to wait for over an hour for the basic, regular prenatal all the while STARVING, weak, faint, shakey. I mentioned the test to the NP and she suggested that maybe I should  reschedule it for tomorrow. I was starting to get really grumpy at this point and snapped a little when she said I was also scheduled to meet with the nutritionist today. Holy poo! No I will not meet with the nutritionist today, did you hear that I haven't eaten since last night and it's now noon?! Yeah I'm a week from 7 months pregnant and it's not good to go without food for so many hours. She asked me the regular questions and gave me a prescription for a safe sleep aid when I told her that I haven't slept for 3 weeks. 

Across the street I was given a sugery lemon/lime drink and told to wait for 1 hour. Getting delerious at this point. After an hour in the waiting room I had 7 vials of blood drawn. Yep 7. The first prenatal center I went to in Berkeley still (3 months later) hadn't sent my medical records to the new place so I had to have all of the blood tests done again! 

I made scones yesterday and brought some along with a few almonds to eat after the test. I was so out of it and exhausted that I couldn't think of where to go eat. I had some of my snacks and got a salad at a pasta place. Not enough food, but I couldn't think clearly. 

I'm home now and still exhausted. Trying to see some positives in my current life. Why is it so tough? I wish I could enjoy myself a bit more. Maybe with some sleep....

downtown berkeley bites

it seems that lately every time i go into downtown berkeley i have a bad day. i went to run errands yesterday and ended up miserable! after my piercings were removed i needed something to eat and to (of course) go pee. i went to a mexican restaurant, ordered a vegetarian taco and horchata, paid for it  and asked where the restroom was.."we don't have a restroom." i thought restaurants were required to have one for paying customers, maybe i'm wrong. this is the third food  place i've been to (as a paying customer) in berkeley that had no restroom. i also wanted to wash my hands before eating, i'd just been on the bus. the food wasn't great either. i ended up going to a matinee partly so i could use the facilities. after the much needed matinee break i had to take care of some errands, almost got hit in the crosswalk by an impatient driver which pissed me off. took care of my business. it was hot, i was on foot, tired and pissy. i'd researched a busline that i would take home to my new place and could not find a bus stop. called the transport info after walking blocks in the area where it was supposed to be. the guy gave me the wrong bus stop location. after walking more and not finding it i called again. "oh, you are right, it stops here and here and here". oops, he was wrong again. as i was plotting another way to get home involving 2 buslines, the original one passed by and stopped across the street. i was so frustrated, exhausted, my feet so sore that i was on the verge of tears. a car would be helpful, if only i could afford one. 

did it for the baby

i had my piercings removed yesterday. i'm a week away from 7 months and  figured i should just get it done. i'd had them for about 12 years and they had become part of my landscape. oddly i'm not missing them as much as i thought i would. it may be easy to slide them back in after the birth. 

mommy who's my daddy?

i guess i haven't blogged about this yet....i have this fear that * will appear at the hospital during childbirth. it's irrational, i know. i don't really believe it will happen, i worry about him appearing at other times as well. maybe he'll drive by me in his car when i'm walking, or show up shortly after the birth and start acting up and accusing me of all kinds of imaginary things...

i went to the community law center about two weeks ago, they are not open very often, but i got lucky and they were not busy. i learned from them that there is nothing i can do legally at this time to keep him away from the child. when the baby is born he will have equal rights as a parent. i had been saving texts from him to use in court if something does come up, but my phone was stolen and i lost it all. if he starts up again and i keep a record i will probably be able to get a restraining order. if he decides that he want's to be in the childs life he will have to pursue visitation and some form of custody. at that point i can try for full custody. 

i'm kind of conflicted. i know how difficult it can be to have an absent parent, i so badly wanted my father to be a part of my life. i know that creepy cannot be a positive part of my daughters life unless he gets help with his alcohol and mental health issues AND changes his drug related "career path". i get angry with myself for ever being with him in any way. i knew from the start that he was bad and completely wrong for me. i knew that i didn't like him very much, but he cooked me good meals, was physically beautiful and we had good sex. i was lonely, a city lady living in the mountains, and i needed companionship for a short time. we talked about the anger issue in the sps group tonight....i feel it towards myself for getting into this situation and towards him for being so much of a mess that he cannot be in his daughter's life. oh, he has two other daughters from different women. one mother is hiding herself and daughter from him in marin somewhere and the other took him to court to get the teenage daughter out of his house because of the same "career" related issues i've mentioned. ok. i'm doing the right thing, i have to keep reviewing the reasons why i am keeping my daughter from her father. i have huge guilt about it, because i wish so badly that she could have a second parent.

closing her eyes she imagines the stars dripping in silver touching her shoulders with warmth and settling in a sprinkled blanket marking her skin

i got this done right before i found out about the pregnancy.

to do list

i keep getting hit with panic thoughts of things i have to do.

sign up for a tour of the birth center.

ask A again if she will be "the one" who can drop everything and come to me when i go into labor.

go to birthing and baby care classes. i signed up, but the full medical STILL hasn't come through. the classes cost about $300.

make a birth plan.

research vaccinations. they scare me.

prepare music for the hospital while giving birth.

i have about 2 1/2 months still, but time has been slipping by so quickly and i don't feel prepared. 

baby dresser

i finished painting it and made the top into a changing table. it makes me think of mint chocolate chip ice cream. yumm.

still sleep deprived

today i am so tired that i cannot focus to get much done. i'm still sleeping an average of 4 to 5 hours a night. i know it's partly hormones, but also only being able to sleep on my left side. if i sleep on my back i will put pressure on major arteries cutting down the flow of oxygen and blood to the baby (and me) causing who knows what damage. if i sleep on my right side i can put pressure on another major artery and possibly cause blood clots. i don't want to be paranoid, but i've read these things several places and am trying my best to do everything right. 

so tired. 

making me weepy. 

dragging through days in a daze. 

room still not unpacked. 

all i want to do is sleep. 

try to nap. 

doesn't work often. 

listening to pandora. april march radio.

i was able to call unemployment to try to change my phone interview date. after 3 phone calls and being told by recording that they were too busy to take my call and to call back later, i got through and the irritated woman on the other end said she had no available appointments at any point in the future. she told me to call back in a little while. i did mention that i couldn't do the interview on the date they gave me because i had a prenatal dr's appointment that had been scheduled 2 months ago. all of this for $62 a week! in order to apply for calworks (welfare) i was made to apply for unemployment. so much paperwork and weekly mistakes on their part. i just need help until i am able to look for a consistent job again! hating the lack of care for citizens in need in this country. truly want to move. 

baby signs and the gown

She's moving so much now I like it because then I know she's doing allright..... but it feels so strange and alien. I've gotten sharp pains in my lower right side for the last two days. I was a little worried, but they don't last very long and so far they've only come twice. I woke up at about 5am this morning, as has been the norm lately, and looked up the pains online. I found that it is most likely round ligaments stretching, so no worries. 

Today I will finish painting Verity's dresser so I can start to put her clothes away. My mom got her an absolutely stunning, beautiful dress. It looks like it's probably from the 40's. Neither one of us is practicing any religion. She was raised catholic, but left that behind when very young and lived the hippie lifestyle. The point is, the dress is a christening gown and I love it. She told me that it's tradition for a mother to give her daughter a christening gown for her daughter. What a lovely gesture. I guess we do follow some traditions. I had the dress laying across the top of her dresser so I could look at it daily, this morning I put it on a hanger very slowly and lovingly and hung it in the closet. I don't want to get paint on it. 

red wallet

I lost my wallet yesterday. On Tuesday and Wed I was on a temp assignment at a huge architectural firm. It was ok, pretty boring but easy and only for two days. I finished the project I was hired for before lunch yesterday and they were going to have me back to do some other work for the rest of the day. Went to lunch, ordered a sandwich, no wallet. Shaking I walked back to the office and told them I had to leave to cancel all of the cards I lost. I don't have credit cards but I do have a social security card, ID, debit card, food stamps card, medi-cal card....I was going through the hell the loss of all of these things would put me through and had a little breakdown. I didn't cry until I got on BART. I talked to the receptionist at the job, building security, BART people on both sides, bus driver. Nothing. My sunglasses were on, tears streaming all the way home. Less than a month ago my blackberry and $50. were stolen from the same bag, this had me wondering what was gong on. That maybe I'm doing something horribly wrong in my life. I walked in the door and collapsed sobbing, hysterical, crushed. I gave myself a few minutes before starting to cancel everything. I then frantically looked around the apartment and I hate to put this in writing, but my wallet was in my other bag. I had taken it out to transfer bags and I guess I was so out of it that I put it back. I got in bed exhausted at about 1pm and got up at 4. 

new home

My mama was here this weekend bringing my stuff from her house. I was such a moody, grumpy, pregnant bi***. I did apologize, she luckily understands that it's hormones and stress. I've been living with family and friends that are like family for all of my pregnancy until now. It really hit me that I'm alone. I  have no partner to go through this with. No one to set up the baby area with, talk about the future, do day to day stuff with like grocery shopping, no foot rubs (pregnant feet hurt!), no dinners and breakfasts together, no hugging, no sex....sigh. Having a rough time today especially. I now live with a stranger from craigslist. She seems ok, but who knows until you  live with someone for a while.  Sometimes the self pity gets more intense, I guess this is one of those times. Totally broke, applying for what used to be called welfare. All very scary and uncertain. 

mama mia

i saw mama mia, the film, yesterday. it was one of those days where nothing goes as it should. i woke up feeling off, totally wrong. i was so grumpy that cars crossing my path in the crosswalk sent me into an almost silent fury, "can you just wait a second!". i planned to go to a community law center to get some free legal advice on what my rights are if creepy shows up and suddenly want's to be in the baby's life. they were closed. next stop, the bank to get money orders for rent and deposit on my new rental room. the check hadn't cleared yet though i'd asked several times for the date it would be available, yep the 13th. oh, ok the check will clear by 5pm on the 13th! two hours to kill, no car to go home and back. i went to herbivore and got some unimpressive food, a roasted beet salad with a side of tempeh bacon. the beets were soaked, marinated, stewed, pickled in waaaay too much vinegar. i couldn't eat very much of my salad. i swear that day was so wrong. i had to do something to turn it around so i went to a matinee at an arthouse theater. i'm so glad i did, mama mia was alot of fun. i laughed, i cried, i reflected on my situation. the premise of the film is a young woman trying to find her father by inviting three possibilities to her wedding. my daughter will not know her father. it kinda hit home. i ate a double chocolate cookie, stayed through all of the credits then went back to the house.

pregnant lady walking

today was difficult. i woke up very tired, but had to go out to run errands. boring stuff like the bank and post office. i chose to walk a bit because i need the exercise, it was a sllooww walk. it was one of those very pregnant days. my back and feet were hurting, i felt miserable but made myself do it for my health.  i got the errands done then walked through the wooded berkeley campus to smart alecs. it's a healthy fast food joint. my good friend and ex told me yesterday that her mother has to have lung surgery. her mother and father moved to china a couple of years ago and she lives in L.A.. I really like her mom and am worried. i'm also worried for my lovely friend and wish i lived closer so i could be there. i've been checking in alot though. back to smart alecs, i was thinking of her and went there in her honor. we lived in berkeley together and she loved going there. i sent her a pic of my veggie burger and air fries from my cell phone. it's her wallpaper now :)