big, whiney, blah

the identity is shifting so quickly....me ME

verity and me.

i want to change but not everything. it's been about my work and finding love for so long. i found my love, the love of my life and she has found her new love. though it was almost 5 (?) years ago i am still mourning the loss. i've tried to meet someone else, but i cannot seem to....move away from her completely. she is still in l.a. and i am here. i don't know where i should be. i am not happy here. i've been missing her a lot lately.

yes, verity is the ultimate, forever true love of my life.

i miss adult love.

i miss my career self. i am mourning the loss of this, my makeup career may be over. i still love to do it and am good....but i have to have a very steady income/life for verity.

i am stuck, have big debt, no money and i suppose entering a mid-life, new mom, identity crisis.

i'm being whiney. i guess i'm kinda depressed...

looking for a job that i don't really want is very difficult

thankfully i wake up every morning to my beautiful, sweet, charming child.

my father

my absent father was here this week for three days. i hadn't seen him for 27 years. it was strange, i wasn't feeling much of anything, we didn't talk at all about his lack of support and contact with me. maybe i just wanted to learn a little bit about who he is. it was exhausting. he's a talker and i didn't have the space to say very much, i also didn't know what to talk about. it's been so long, where to start?

Him: he collects guns, likes to hunt, target practice, fish, reads science fiction, shops at whole foods, eats one large meal a day, takes lot's of vitamins, believes in alternative medicine and yoga practice. he's retired, has a big house in minnesota, has been living alone since 1982, has stacks of stuff and clutter in his house, hasn't been upstairs for years, loves his dog rocky, wants to move to washington, south dakota or somewhere that doesn't take income tax. he made a decent living but has spent it all, he likes honey in his tea and coffee, likes to bake bread....

he told me a story: WHEN I WAS 6 MONTHS OLD I RODE IN A CAR WITH CHARLES MANSON. my mom, uncle peter, my father and myself were on our way to a wedding in a very large car. my father's friend was driving and very high on drugs and alcohol. he saw two hitchikers in loincloths and decided to pick them up. we were in the desert and their destination was on the way to the wedding. one of them was trying to convince the driver to come stay at his communal house. he spoke of how magical it was, beautiful. everybody would be fed and taken care of. the driver wanted to go, to forget about the wedding. my father said no and was also working on the driver to convince him not to go there. he said the one hitchiker was very strange and he had a bad feeling about him. the guy became angry at my father saying he was being negative. the riders were dropped off near their house and we went to the wedding. a couple of months later my mother was watching the news and saw the same man. she ran to my father and told him to come see. it was charles manson, the same man that they had picked up. he had been arrested for multiple murders.... wow, i've had an interesting life so far

i also learned that i have quite a bit of german heritage. had no idea.

she's amazing

i look at her and feel so much love. it scares me, i feel like i would die if anything happened to her.

i have a month before i have to start looking for work and have very mixed feelings about this. i'm looking forward to having some money to buy her more stuff. she doesn't go without at all, but i'm itching to go shopping and go a little crazy with the cuteness of baby gear. i also need clothes for myself that are non maternity! my pre-pregnant body is not completely back yet so i can't fit into my old clothes. having some adult time will be nice too. but, i also know that i'll miss her like crazy and it will be VERY difficult to leave her in daycare.

i'm in an off phase with internet writing. this happens periodically. i've not been posting much anywhere for a couple of months.

5 mo

valentine

vday 09

lux interior

the first time i saw the cramps was new years eve 1987 at the fillmore in sf. the second and last was at sunset junction in la 3 years ago. i was right up front and center. lux spoke to me, literally. he said " she's real cute but does she have fleas". oddly a compliment coming from him. sad he's now dead. i just learned today.

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1604336/20090204/story.jhtml

jealousy and envy

i am. i'm jealous and envious of certain people. in particular people with babies who seem to have it so much easier than i do. i've been meeting other parents, seeing and hearing about their lives and it's driving me nuts. for example my ex J. from 15 or so years ago has a baby girl 1 month older than v. i spoke to him yesterday and he was all sparkles about being a parent. he has a wife of ten years who is THE lawyer for a MAJOR tv show. he has a show coming up in a gallery in chelsea, he's a painter. he called me from his studio in brooklyn. they have a nanny. they are rich. they can come and go as they please. they have the luxury of just enjoying their child. they have it easy. how can i have a conversation about my life with someone like this? "oh, me? i'm on welfare, live in a dingy, dark apartment with a wierdo housemate. oh, work? um well i may have to give up my career that i love because it's not consistent. doing? been doing nothin. staying home with baby and i'm lucky if i get 15 minutes to do laundry and dishes( i do love spending time with her though). what next? dunno what kind of job i'll get"

other families i've met- a lesbian couple who own their house, have a separate room for baby and are sooo in love. another couple, both with good jobs and paid time off. another lesbian couple about to have a baby, own their house which has a rental cabin in the lush garden backyard. one works in film freelance and can continue because they have two incomes. i could rent thier cabin if i could pay $1000./mo. yep, i would love to.

when will things come together for me? frustrated.

oscar job and other stuff

my beautiful baby will be 12 weeks tomorrow. as i write this she is held sleeping against my chest in one of her 4 front carriers. sigghhhh.....love.

life doesn't seem any clearer now than it did when i was pregnant. i mean as far as where to live and what to do for income. what is clear is that whatever i do it will be decided for her. whatever seems the best choice for her well being. it really is all about my daughter. my family. i finally have a family of my own, something i've wanted forever. i really am a traditionalist at heart...as in what i really want is a house with a yard and family to fill the house. i would love to have a partner to share this with. preferably a woman, but i guess i'm more open to men these days. i'm pretty particular so i don't quite know how i make such bad dating choices. oh, i'm not looking for a partner right now. if it happens then great, but the search is not on. and sex? not on my mind at all. i still feel very lonely however. i feel much more positive when i'm around friends and family.

i started taking the lowest dose of zoloft for my ppd and it seems to be just barely starting to work. i guess it's been less than 2 weeks since i started. it's taken some of the edge off, dulled the depression so it's not quite a debilitating. i still feel it though. i don't feel happy. some of it is situational. living in poverty...$584/mo + food stamps and 6 weeks of paid family leave ($67/week), in the bay area. uh huh. i suppose i could start the welfare to work program which requires a single parent to work 35 hours/ week or attend school 32 hours. it's a painful thought, putting her in daycare full time at such a young age. it's awful. the requirement for single parents used to be 20 hours/week, then 26, now 32/35. it's inhumane. couples requirements are less. single parents are so not respected.

i got a call yesterday for a makeup job. doing makeup on oscar night for a prominent family. i considered taking it. tryed to piece together how it would work...travel with baby, childcare, all of our stuff. i decided to refer an old friend who lives in la. they called her, but i'm not sure yet if she's been hired. i've worked with this family before on oscar night 3 years ago and really like them. i was pretty sad that i couldn't take the job. i guess i could have, but would it be worth the stress of traveling with her for the first time on such short notice?

she's waking up and hungry. so hard to get any time to blog.

11 weeks, 2 days

her natural mohawk, new toy and playdate (hehe she's the one yelling)

been absent

i've been absent on here, i know. i should be blogging/journaling it's good to get it all out. my excuse is that i've had no time because it is all baby. she was sleeping and is now waking up. i may be able to write depending on her mood. she's adorable, round and smiling. so cute. she melts me.

it seems that there are alot of "issues" to work through right now and it frustrates me. i've been diagnosed with post partum depression and have been very torn on whether i should wean her when i go on antidepressants. i've gone back and forth quite a bit, done tons of research on medications in breast milk, side effects to the baby, etc vs effects of not breast feeding and changing to formula. i've found that zoloft is the best choice based on extensive studies with moms and babies. my options are to take the meds at a low dose and breast feed, take the meds and wean-go to formula, or move to my mom's so i can try to maintain off of meds with a supportive environment and less rent so i can join a yoga class which helps my depression quite a bit. when depressed i can't be the best possible mama because i'm not my best self. i try, i talk with her, sing silly songs, do my best to smile naturally...but i'm sad, lonely, anxious, overly worried about germs, unmotivated and so on...she is completely healthy thankfully. i just want to be my best for her. she needs that so she will be properly socialized and continue to develop on track.

my mom and i have been having problems. she was triggered into a bad depression by the birth of my daughter. she's having ton's of issues and worries about us...i'm pretty confused by it all so it's hard for me to write it out clearly.