postcard size

another night with photoshop

today

i made 

tofu scramble with olive tapenade and lot's of garlic 

wheat toast

sliced oranges

decaf italian roast

a delicious breakfast for myself. bernie had a carrot, his dry food and water

today i find myself yearning to be in a relationship. how lovely it would be to make breakfast for two. to wake up with someone that i love and respect. it's been a long time and i'm missing it so much.

i guess i didn't realize that this is what i truly want until i met someone that i clicked with. i've dated over the past 3(?) years since my last major relationship. i've even been in a 9 month relationship. none of the people i was with were right for me and i knew it, i guess i settled for a while and then left each of them for various reasons. one turned out to have serious addiction problems and all of the behaviors that come with an addiction, or multiple. he lied and cheated. then there was the married man who eventually told me that his wife didn't actually know that they were separated. next the marijuana grower who was very cute and sweet but too young and unstable. medicinal marijuana is fine, but a grower is a drug dealer when it comes down to it. the last turned out to be a grower, an alcoholic and mentally unstable. he also fathered my baby. the people i was with before my last real relationship were all successful, creative, intelligent, educated. my standards dropped so low and i will now be more careful about who i spend my time with. 

i sometimes wonder if dating people like the above may have been a punishment for myself for initiating the end of my last, long term loving relationship. she was/is a great person and we have so much in common. there was mutual respect, support, love and friendship. she doesn't do drugs, works in the entertainment industry (as do i) as a producer, is an artist, funny, real, honest. you guessed it, i still love her. we are friends and talk a lot, but will not be in a relationship again. 

i'm soon to have a baby and this complicates things. i can't see how it is possible to enter a serious relationship, as much as i want it. this makes me sad, but it is the beginning of a new life in which i will be thinking of my child first, before my needs.

a crush

I broke my vow to not date. Last night I met someone that I'd been talking to a bit online. He's in town from L.A. for work and asked if I wanted to meet him. I had developed an online crush so decided to see if we liked each other in person. We met at a bar, I had 7up, he's charming, easy to talk with, attractive, we have plenty in common from what I know so far. The crush has held out. We talked easily for about 2 hours until he had to catch the train back to his friends. It's been a while since I've genuinely liked someone and felt a connection. The problem is that he lives in L.A. and neither of us want's to get into a long distance relationship. I felt sad when we parted last night and then today. I have to move on but knowing how rare it is to meet someone that I really connect with makes it difficult. We may stay in contact and become friends, but maybe not. 

Fab gifts from friends

My friend made this!

The Onesies

Baby's 1st beater, boa, beanie and briefs

also...

some new-ish symptoms. i feel sick to my stomach every morning, after i eat. i can not longer have my decaf. i told the nurse/midwife about it last week and she said it was probably a flu. i don't think it is, flu's don't usually last this long. i eat, go online, then start to feel sick enough to lie down for a while. it's starting to happen now. i haven't been sleeping so that could be a part of it, or maybe it's what i eat for breakfast. i don't know. i have an appointment next thursday so will tell them again that i feel sick every morning. 

relieved by this at least

i'm so relieved that my sex drive has plummeted. it was distracting and honestly making me feel crazy. i at least feel stronger in being alone in that way. i'm abstaining until i am healthily through birth, recovery and at least somewhat adjusted to being a new mother. any dates until then will be friend dates. 

30 weeks

today i am 30 weeks pregnant.

i'm finding myself sometimes dwelling in terror on the birth process. i have this creeping fear that i or the baby will die. i know, it's not so common anymore to die in childbirth, but it did happen often not too long ago.

maybe it's because i've been reading a blog by a guy who's wife died in the hospital after giving birth. this happened 5 months ago and he is a single dad to his infant daughter. also, about a year ago a friend's baby died during birth.

who would raise my baby if i died? my mother is the first thought, but she is in her 60's. if she couldn't then my aunt susan, if not her then my dear friend who has been considering fostering kids when her youngest leaves home in a few years.

i've read that it is normal to be scared of giving birth, most women are, especially the first time. it feels like it's just around the corner, close enough to reach out and tap my back.

i'm ready to have my body back and to meet my daughter, but so scared.

I heart my friends

My friends threw an awesome baby shower for me today. I love them and have to stop being such a recluse! I like spending lot's of time alone but sometimes with amazing, sweet and brilliant people like my friends. I feel so lucky. My friends 15 y/o daughter made up and made this game, "pin the sperm on the egg". Each sperm has a different personality. It was so cute. More pics to come soon.

1st birth prep class

i went to a class called "coping with labor pain" today. there were so many people there, all couples. thankfully my bff and birthing partner came with me, otherwise i would have been the only pregnant woman there alone. 

it was an overview of what happens during labor, all of the stages. more like a seminar than the small intimate group setting i'd imagined. there was some useful info though and i'm glad i went. 

fall

stepping slowly through the breeze, between crisp brown and red, floating in waves above my head.

i didn't bring a sweater

it's ok, i'll take the chill in to revive me

it's fall, and though it's mild, my spirit is shifting to ride with the season

my body heavy with baby i reflect on falls past and smile that she will be born into this, one of my favorite times of year

sunday 8/7

woke up around 5:30, got up around 10:30. 

still very tired. 

can't shake this depression. 

should be happy to be over 7 months pregnant. 

always wanted my own family. 

just. 

so. 

sad. 

lonely. 

i would be on anti depressants if i wasn't pregnant. 

usually am. 

don't care if dr's say some are safe for babies. 

don't believe it. 

blind date stirred some things up. 

not sure i like it. 

wish i had no sexual desires and could put these needs out of my mind and body. 

making things more difficult.

insane hormones! 

baby clothes washed.

have more to put in dresser.

have to write a birth plan.

read the parenting books.

so.

bored.

feel isolated.

hard to get anywhere from new place.

no car.

transport expensive and sparse.

when will i feel good again?

got to feel better.

have to.

for verity.

what.

should.

i.

do?

unhappy where i am physically, emotionally, mentally.

letter to a stranger

because i feel like writing and why not to you? why you? i guess because you propmted me to think about some things. i know our meeting was not fantastic, but it did make me re-realize some things about myself, and that is positive. listening to you talk about your projects was inspiring, but also nastalgic. you are an interesting person, i said to my  friend" if i was in my 20's i would be head over for this guy, but i'm so different now and i don't fall easily". i used to fall for someone's accomplishments before knowing the person. i suppose i know myself better, am stronger. after leaving you i began to remember how i used to be before i was consumed by the survival drudgery. it made me miss myself and long to be her again, a mature version. i love to be busy, it makes me feel alive and happy. 

i miss being enmeshed in an arts community...the thinking processes, well really thinking more deeply on many levels...conceptual, exploring ideas, research, experimentation, exploration...i believe i took that lifestyle for granted not really knowing how crucial some of it was to my happiness. i suppose i had begun to think of these things before our meeting. wondering how i can put myself back in that place, i'm sure i will figure it out someday. i made short films and some installations. i had my work shown in european film fastivals, toronto dance clubs, san francisco galleries....i never wanted to be a gallery artisi, i guess it is as i've said, i like to make things for the process. i do love working on film sets, in the middles of the action. my job is intimate and i like working closely with the actors. i am always on hand, on set as long as the actors are. my work is creative, but i still feel unfulfilled.

feeling unfulfilled is precisely why i do not want to get seriously involved with somebody. i am not at my best, i am not where i want to be in life. i have been there and i know what it feels like. when i feel that i am truly back to myself with a full life then i will be ready to fall in love. as much as i miss it, i know it would not work for me or the other person. the last time i was in love was with the woman i moved to l.a. with. outside life choices on my part contributed to our sex life completely disappearing. this lack of intimacy is what broke us up. since then 3 different people have fallen in love with me and i have not felt the same. i made bad choices and became involved with people that i knew were wrong for me. i am so wary now and careful. i hope at some point to fall in love mutually again but even more to be back to my full self.

g

the awkward date

i don't really like dating, it's so silly. i always feel awkward if it's the first time meeting somebody. maybe it's blind dating that i don't like. 

we met at a pizza/pub at 4:30. i had gotten there early because i was hungry, by the time he got there i'd already finished eating. i thought it was a drinks date anyway. he ordered dinner, oops, and i ordered a non alcoholic beer. he launched into typical getting to know a stranger questions. what kind of music do you like? what do you do for fun? you know, the basics. he then started telling me all about his life, what he does. lot's of talking which was fine because i was feeling quiet. maybe it was nervous talking, i don't know. 

he's handsome. about 5'10", slender, defined jaw, blue eyes. i like the way he dresses too (superficial yes). he was wearing a maroon cowboy shirt with checkered pants and a grandpa hat. he's very active in the art world, bay area circles, and has a million things going on. he's in a large gallery show right now, is working on an art/performance event, writing art reviews and teaching. he has an "art star" aura about him and may be a bit cocky. 

there was some awkward silence when it was time to go. he made some nasty sexual comments, to test the waters i think. in front of the restaurant he pulled me close, grabbed the back of my hair and asked me if i wanted him to fuck me. then kissed me. i have to say it was unexpected and i was taken aback...not sure whether i liked it or was turned on...

i'm not sure if this will happen, i'm a bit unsure and i believe he is too. it's no big deal if it doesn't.

a date

I'm in the process of making a first date with someone I met online. He sounds great. He's my age, lives close by, is a creative writing teacher at an art school and published author. What he wrote about himself and what he is looking for matches so well with my interests/self. We are both interested in something not instantly serious, light and fun. And he's totally fine with the pregnancy. I've made it clear that I'm not out looking for a daddy for my baby, just someone to spend a little time with, go on dates and have some fun. Maybe a good bond could form with time, friendship or other. Yaaay! I'm hoping it works out well. 

life randomness and choices

I spent the weekend in Sacramento at my aunt Sue's house. It was sooooo good to be away for a couple of days. We haven't spent much time together for several years. Some things happened that made it difficult....I can't get into it, it's the past and way too painful to bring up here. She bought this house a few years ago and I hadn't been there. It's lovely, she's decorated it so nicely and has a big back yard with a banana tree, grapefruit tree, orange tree, vegetable garden, pond and fountain. I love it. Being there made me realize once again that I really, really want a house of my own for me and my little family. On Sat before I went away I went to two parties at friends houses, they have their own places and I felt the yearning...

Also while away I found myself thinking a lot about what I will do after the baby is born. Where do I want to live? What is most important to me? How do I want my life to look? I think top importance is a better quality of life and friends/family close by. Quality of life for me means work that I like, enough income to buy a house and not be constantly struggling, an area that has quality food available, good schools, a creative community, art/film/music, liberal politics, good transportation. I just don't know anymore where this place is. I've found that I'm not as in love with the Bay Area as I used to be. Maybe it's changed a lot or I have. An aunt recently moved to England and my mom and step father want to move back. Maybe this is the place? There is a tiny chance of an amazing job for me there within the next year. If that comes true then I think I would go there. My cousin want's me to share an apartment with him in Hollywood. I don't know that I'm up for that anymore, L.A. is awful unless you have a great job and lot's of money. He would be a great, positive male influence for my daughter and he loves kids. 

I can't really make a choice now. I have to make it work in my current situation for at least 6 months. My housemate bugs me already and it's only been two weeks. Her eating disorder is proving to be more of an issue than I thought it would be. She's recently started questioning me about my finances and it's totally inappropriate. Last week I asked her to write a letter stating how much rent I pay, when I moved in and how much I paid to move in. I mentioned that it was for Medical, that I had to report my new address. She' been asking questions since then like " have you had problems bouncing checks in the past?" "Do you do a lot of under the table work so you can get medical?" and almost every morning"Do you have a job today?". I was very honest with her at the interview. I told her that I work freelance as a Makeup Artist and also do temp office work. Sometimes I work a lot and sometimes not at all. Also, because I'm pregnant I will have to stop working at some point for a few months, at that point I will be getting some assistance. She was fine with all of that and wanted me to move in. I truly hope this situation can get better and more comfortable. She is hard to be around so when she's home I stay in my room most of the time. I will try to be more compassionate with regards to her eating disorder and ask her not to ask me personal questions about my finances.