been absent

i've been absent on here, i know. i should be blogging/journaling it's good to get it all out. my excuse is that i've had no time because it is all baby. she was sleeping and is now waking up. i may be able to write depending on her mood. she's adorable, round and smiling. so cute. she melts me.

it seems that there are alot of "issues" to work through right now and it frustrates me. i've been diagnosed with post partum depression and have been very torn on whether i should wean her when i go on antidepressants. i've gone back and forth quite a bit, done tons of research on medications in breast milk, side effects to the baby, etc vs effects of not breast feeding and changing to formula. i've found that zoloft is the best choice based on extensive studies with moms and babies. my options are to take the meds at a low dose and breast feed, take the meds and wean-go to formula, or move to my mom's so i can try to maintain off of meds with a supportive environment and less rent so i can join a yoga class which helps my depression quite a bit. when depressed i can't be the best possible mama because i'm not my best self. i try, i talk with her, sing silly songs, do my best to smile naturally...but i'm sad, lonely, anxious, overly worried about germs, unmotivated and so on...she is completely healthy thankfully. i just want to be my best for her. she needs that so she will be properly socialized and continue to develop on track.

my mom and i have been having problems. she was triggered into a bad depression by the birth of my daughter. she's having ton's of issues and worries about us...i'm pretty confused by it all so it's hard for me to write it out clearly.