vday 09
Sunday, February 15, 2009
lux interior
the first time i saw the cramps was new years eve 1987 at the fillmore in sf. the second and last was at sunset junction in la 3 years ago. i was right up front and center. lux spoke to me, literally. he said " she's real cute but does she have fleas". oddly a compliment coming from him. sad he's now dead. i just learned today.
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1604336/20090204/story.jhtml
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1604336/20090204/story.jhtml
jealousy and envy
i am. i'm jealous and envious of certain people. in particular people with babies who seem to have it so much easier than i do. i've been meeting other parents, seeing and hearing about their lives and it's driving me nuts. for example my ex J. from 15 or so years ago has a baby girl 1 month older than v. i spoke to him yesterday and he was all sparkles about being a parent. he has a wife of ten years who is THE lawyer for a MAJOR tv show. he has a show coming up in a gallery in chelsea, he's a painter. he called me from his studio in brooklyn. they have a nanny. they are rich. they can come and go as they please. they have the luxury of just enjoying their child. they have it easy. how can i have a conversation about my life with someone like this? "oh, me? i'm on welfare, live in a dingy, dark apartment with a wierdo housemate. oh, work? um well i may have to give up my career that i love because it's not consistent. doing? been doing nothin. staying home with baby and i'm lucky if i get 15 minutes to do laundry and dishes( i do love spending time with her though). what next? dunno what kind of job i'll get"
other families i've met- a lesbian couple who own their house, have a separate room for baby and are sooo in love. another couple, both with good jobs and paid time off. another lesbian couple about to have a baby, own their house which has a rental cabin in the lush garden backyard. one works in film freelance and can continue because they have two incomes. i could rent thier cabin if i could pay $1000./mo. yep, i would love to.
when will things come together for me? frustrated.
other families i've met- a lesbian couple who own their house, have a separate room for baby and are sooo in love. another couple, both with good jobs and paid time off. another lesbian couple about to have a baby, own their house which has a rental cabin in the lush garden backyard. one works in film freelance and can continue because they have two incomes. i could rent thier cabin if i could pay $1000./mo. yep, i would love to.
when will things come together for me? frustrated.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
oscar job and other stuff
my beautiful baby will be 12 weeks tomorrow. as i write this she is held sleeping against my chest in one of her 4 front carriers. sigghhhh.....love.
life doesn't seem any clearer now than it did when i was pregnant. i mean as far as where to live and what to do for income. what is clear is that whatever i do it will be decided for her. whatever seems the best choice for her well being. it really is all about my daughter. my family. i finally have a family of my own, something i've wanted forever. i really am a traditionalist at heart...as in what i really want is a house with a yard and family to fill the house. i would love to have a partner to share this with. preferably a woman, but i guess i'm more open to men these days. i'm pretty particular so i don't quite know how i make such bad dating choices. oh, i'm not looking for a partner right now. if it happens then great, but the search is not on. and sex? not on my mind at all. i still feel very lonely however. i feel much more positive when i'm around friends and family.
i started taking the lowest dose of zoloft for my ppd and it seems to be just barely starting to work. i guess it's been less than 2 weeks since i started. it's taken some of the edge off, dulled the depression so it's not quite a debilitating. i still feel it though. i don't feel happy. some of it is situational. living in poverty...$584/mo + food stamps and 6 weeks of paid family leave ($67/week), in the bay area. uh huh. i suppose i could start the welfare to work program which requires a single parent to work 35 hours/ week or attend school 32 hours. it's a painful thought, putting her in daycare full time at such a young age. it's awful. the requirement for single parents used to be 20 hours/week, then 26, now 32/35. it's inhumane. couples requirements are less. single parents are so not respected.
i got a call yesterday for a makeup job. doing makeup on oscar night for a prominent family. i considered taking it. tryed to piece together how it would work...travel with baby, childcare, all of our stuff. i decided to refer an old friend who lives in la. they called her, but i'm not sure yet if she's been hired. i've worked with this family before on oscar night 3 years ago and really like them. i was pretty sad that i couldn't take the job. i guess i could have, but would it be worth the stress of traveling with her for the first time on such short notice?
she's waking up and hungry. so hard to get any time to blog.
life doesn't seem any clearer now than it did when i was pregnant. i mean as far as where to live and what to do for income. what is clear is that whatever i do it will be decided for her. whatever seems the best choice for her well being. it really is all about my daughter. my family. i finally have a family of my own, something i've wanted forever. i really am a traditionalist at heart...as in what i really want is a house with a yard and family to fill the house. i would love to have a partner to share this with. preferably a woman, but i guess i'm more open to men these days. i'm pretty particular so i don't quite know how i make such bad dating choices. oh, i'm not looking for a partner right now. if it happens then great, but the search is not on. and sex? not on my mind at all. i still feel very lonely however. i feel much more positive when i'm around friends and family.
i started taking the lowest dose of zoloft for my ppd and it seems to be just barely starting to work. i guess it's been less than 2 weeks since i started. it's taken some of the edge off, dulled the depression so it's not quite a debilitating. i still feel it though. i don't feel happy. some of it is situational. living in poverty...$584/mo + food stamps and 6 weeks of paid family leave ($67/week), in the bay area. uh huh. i suppose i could start the welfare to work program which requires a single parent to work 35 hours/ week or attend school 32 hours. it's a painful thought, putting her in daycare full time at such a young age. it's awful. the requirement for single parents used to be 20 hours/week, then 26, now 32/35. it's inhumane. couples requirements are less. single parents are so not respected.
i got a call yesterday for a makeup job. doing makeup on oscar night for a prominent family. i considered taking it. tryed to piece together how it would work...travel with baby, childcare, all of our stuff. i decided to refer an old friend who lives in la. they called her, but i'm not sure yet if she's been hired. i've worked with this family before on oscar night 3 years ago and really like them. i was pretty sad that i couldn't take the job. i guess i could have, but would it be worth the stress of traveling with her for the first time on such short notice?
she's waking up and hungry. so hard to get any time to blog.
Monday, February 9, 2009
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