i love craft swaps

Here's a fun thing that I'm doing! Hooray I thought of something! I signed up for a craft swap site and I just finished it. It's a postcard to be sent to 2 people. :)

glucose test day

I'm very ready to have an easy, happy day. I'd love to feel content and like things are allright...very soon. I think a big part may be the lack of sleep combined with pregnancy hormones and of course situational stress. 

I was told not to eat anything from midnight last night for my glucose test this morning. I ate some pasta at 11:30 pm and got no sleep. To get to the perinatal center I had to leave 1.5 hours before my appointment and take 2 busses. I made it there 10 minutes early, signed in and waited. After 1/2 hour I checked with reception explaining that I had a glucose test scheduled "we don't do those here, you have your prenatal". The test was done across the street so I didn't flip out. I was made to wait for over an hour for the basic, regular prenatal all the while STARVING, weak, faint, shakey. I mentioned the test to the NP and she suggested that maybe I should  reschedule it for tomorrow. I was starting to get really grumpy at this point and snapped a little when she said I was also scheduled to meet with the nutritionist today. Holy poo! No I will not meet with the nutritionist today, did you hear that I haven't eaten since last night and it's now noon?! Yeah I'm a week from 7 months pregnant and it's not good to go without food for so many hours. She asked me the regular questions and gave me a prescription for a safe sleep aid when I told her that I haven't slept for 3 weeks. 

Across the street I was given a sugery lemon/lime drink and told to wait for 1 hour. Getting delerious at this point. After an hour in the waiting room I had 7 vials of blood drawn. Yep 7. The first prenatal center I went to in Berkeley still (3 months later) hadn't sent my medical records to the new place so I had to have all of the blood tests done again! 

I made scones yesterday and brought some along with a few almonds to eat after the test. I was so out of it and exhausted that I couldn't think of where to go eat. I had some of my snacks and got a salad at a pasta place. Not enough food, but I couldn't think clearly. 

I'm home now and still exhausted. Trying to see some positives in my current life. Why is it so tough? I wish I could enjoy myself a bit more. Maybe with some sleep....

downtown berkeley bites

it seems that lately every time i go into downtown berkeley i have a bad day. i went to run errands yesterday and ended up miserable! after my piercings were removed i needed something to eat and to (of course) go pee. i went to a mexican restaurant, ordered a vegetarian taco and horchata, paid for it  and asked where the restroom was.."we don't have a restroom." i thought restaurants were required to have one for paying customers, maybe i'm wrong. this is the third food  place i've been to (as a paying customer) in berkeley that had no restroom. i also wanted to wash my hands before eating, i'd just been on the bus. the food wasn't great either. i ended up going to a matinee partly so i could use the facilities. after the much needed matinee break i had to take care of some errands, almost got hit in the crosswalk by an impatient driver which pissed me off. took care of my business. it was hot, i was on foot, tired and pissy. i'd researched a busline that i would take home to my new place and could not find a bus stop. called the transport info after walking blocks in the area where it was supposed to be. the guy gave me the wrong bus stop location. after walking more and not finding it i called again. "oh, you are right, it stops here and here and here". oops, he was wrong again. as i was plotting another way to get home involving 2 buslines, the original one passed by and stopped across the street. i was so frustrated, exhausted, my feet so sore that i was on the verge of tears. a car would be helpful, if only i could afford one. 

did it for the baby

i had my piercings removed yesterday. i'm a week away from 7 months and  figured i should just get it done. i'd had them for about 12 years and they had become part of my landscape. oddly i'm not missing them as much as i thought i would. it may be easy to slide them back in after the birth. 

mommy who's my daddy?

i guess i haven't blogged about this yet....i have this fear that * will appear at the hospital during childbirth. it's irrational, i know. i don't really believe it will happen, i worry about him appearing at other times as well. maybe he'll drive by me in his car when i'm walking, or show up shortly after the birth and start acting up and accusing me of all kinds of imaginary things...

i went to the community law center about two weeks ago, they are not open very often, but i got lucky and they were not busy. i learned from them that there is nothing i can do legally at this time to keep him away from the child. when the baby is born he will have equal rights as a parent. i had been saving texts from him to use in court if something does come up, but my phone was stolen and i lost it all. if he starts up again and i keep a record i will probably be able to get a restraining order. if he decides that he want's to be in the childs life he will have to pursue visitation and some form of custody. at that point i can try for full custody. 

i'm kind of conflicted. i know how difficult it can be to have an absent parent, i so badly wanted my father to be a part of my life. i know that creepy cannot be a positive part of my daughters life unless he gets help with his alcohol and mental health issues AND changes his drug related "career path". i get angry with myself for ever being with him in any way. i knew from the start that he was bad and completely wrong for me. i knew that i didn't like him very much, but he cooked me good meals, was physically beautiful and we had good sex. i was lonely, a city lady living in the mountains, and i needed companionship for a short time. we talked about the anger issue in the sps group tonight....i feel it towards myself for getting into this situation and towards him for being so much of a mess that he cannot be in his daughter's life. oh, he has two other daughters from different women. one mother is hiding herself and daughter from him in marin somewhere and the other took him to court to get the teenage daughter out of his house because of the same "career" related issues i've mentioned. ok. i'm doing the right thing, i have to keep reviewing the reasons why i am keeping my daughter from her father. i have huge guilt about it, because i wish so badly that she could have a second parent.

closing her eyes she imagines the stars dripping in silver touching her shoulders with warmth and settling in a sprinkled blanket marking her skin

i got this done right before i found out about the pregnancy.

to do list

i keep getting hit with panic thoughts of things i have to do.

sign up for a tour of the birth center.

ask A again if she will be "the one" who can drop everything and come to me when i go into labor.

go to birthing and baby care classes. i signed up, but the full medical STILL hasn't come through. the classes cost about $300.

make a birth plan.

research vaccinations. they scare me.

prepare music for the hospital while giving birth.

i have about 2 1/2 months still, but time has been slipping by so quickly and i don't feel prepared. 

baby dresser

i finished painting it and made the top into a changing table. it makes me think of mint chocolate chip ice cream. yumm.

still sleep deprived

today i am so tired that i cannot focus to get much done. i'm still sleeping an average of 4 to 5 hours a night. i know it's partly hormones, but also only being able to sleep on my left side. if i sleep on my back i will put pressure on major arteries cutting down the flow of oxygen and blood to the baby (and me) causing who knows what damage. if i sleep on my right side i can put pressure on another major artery and possibly cause blood clots. i don't want to be paranoid, but i've read these things several places and am trying my best to do everything right. 

so tired. 

making me weepy. 

dragging through days in a daze. 

room still not unpacked. 

all i want to do is sleep. 

try to nap. 

doesn't work often. 

listening to pandora. april march radio.

i was able to call unemployment to try to change my phone interview date. after 3 phone calls and being told by recording that they were too busy to take my call and to call back later, i got through and the irritated woman on the other end said she had no available appointments at any point in the future. she told me to call back in a little while. i did mention that i couldn't do the interview on the date they gave me because i had a prenatal dr's appointment that had been scheduled 2 months ago. all of this for $62 a week! in order to apply for calworks (welfare) i was made to apply for unemployment. so much paperwork and weekly mistakes on their part. i just need help until i am able to look for a consistent job again! hating the lack of care for citizens in need in this country. truly want to move. 

baby signs and the gown

She's moving so much now I like it because then I know she's doing allright..... but it feels so strange and alien. I've gotten sharp pains in my lower right side for the last two days. I was a little worried, but they don't last very long and so far they've only come twice. I woke up at about 5am this morning, as has been the norm lately, and looked up the pains online. I found that it is most likely round ligaments stretching, so no worries. 

Today I will finish painting Verity's dresser so I can start to put her clothes away. My mom got her an absolutely stunning, beautiful dress. It looks like it's probably from the 40's. Neither one of us is practicing any religion. She was raised catholic, but left that behind when very young and lived the hippie lifestyle. The point is, the dress is a christening gown and I love it. She told me that it's tradition for a mother to give her daughter a christening gown for her daughter. What a lovely gesture. I guess we do follow some traditions. I had the dress laying across the top of her dresser so I could look at it daily, this morning I put it on a hanger very slowly and lovingly and hung it in the closet. I don't want to get paint on it. 

red wallet

I lost my wallet yesterday. On Tuesday and Wed I was on a temp assignment at a huge architectural firm. It was ok, pretty boring but easy and only for two days. I finished the project I was hired for before lunch yesterday and they were going to have me back to do some other work for the rest of the day. Went to lunch, ordered a sandwich, no wallet. Shaking I walked back to the office and told them I had to leave to cancel all of the cards I lost. I don't have credit cards but I do have a social security card, ID, debit card, food stamps card, medi-cal card....I was going through the hell the loss of all of these things would put me through and had a little breakdown. I didn't cry until I got on BART. I talked to the receptionist at the job, building security, BART people on both sides, bus driver. Nothing. My sunglasses were on, tears streaming all the way home. Less than a month ago my blackberry and $50. were stolen from the same bag, this had me wondering what was gong on. That maybe I'm doing something horribly wrong in my life. I walked in the door and collapsed sobbing, hysterical, crushed. I gave myself a few minutes before starting to cancel everything. I then frantically looked around the apartment and I hate to put this in writing, but my wallet was in my other bag. I had taken it out to transfer bags and I guess I was so out of it that I put it back. I got in bed exhausted at about 1pm and got up at 4. 

new home

My mama was here this weekend bringing my stuff from her house. I was such a moody, grumpy, pregnant bi***. I did apologize, she luckily understands that it's hormones and stress. I've been living with family and friends that are like family for all of my pregnancy until now. It really hit me that I'm alone. I  have no partner to go through this with. No one to set up the baby area with, talk about the future, do day to day stuff with like grocery shopping, no foot rubs (pregnant feet hurt!), no dinners and breakfasts together, no hugging, no sex....sigh. Having a rough time today especially. I now live with a stranger from craigslist. She seems ok, but who knows until you  live with someone for a while.  Sometimes the self pity gets more intense, I guess this is one of those times. Totally broke, applying for what used to be called welfare. All very scary and uncertain. 

mama mia

i saw mama mia, the film, yesterday. it was one of those days where nothing goes as it should. i woke up feeling off, totally wrong. i was so grumpy that cars crossing my path in the crosswalk sent me into an almost silent fury, "can you just wait a second!". i planned to go to a community law center to get some free legal advice on what my rights are if creepy shows up and suddenly want's to be in the baby's life. they were closed. next stop, the bank to get money orders for rent and deposit on my new rental room. the check hadn't cleared yet though i'd asked several times for the date it would be available, yep the 13th. oh, ok the check will clear by 5pm on the 13th! two hours to kill, no car to go home and back. i went to herbivore and got some unimpressive food, a roasted beet salad with a side of tempeh bacon. the beets were soaked, marinated, stewed, pickled in waaaay too much vinegar. i couldn't eat very much of my salad. i swear that day was so wrong. i had to do something to turn it around so i went to a matinee at an arthouse theater. i'm so glad i did, mama mia was alot of fun. i laughed, i cried, i reflected on my situation. the premise of the film is a young woman trying to find her father by inviting three possibilities to her wedding. my daughter will not know her father. it kinda hit home. i ate a double chocolate cookie, stayed through all of the credits then went back to the house.

pregnant lady walking

today was difficult. i woke up very tired, but had to go out to run errands. boring stuff like the bank and post office. i chose to walk a bit because i need the exercise, it was a sllooww walk. it was one of those very pregnant days. my back and feet were hurting, i felt miserable but made myself do it for my health.  i got the errands done then walked through the wooded berkeley campus to smart alecs. it's a healthy fast food joint. my good friend and ex told me yesterday that her mother has to have lung surgery. her mother and father moved to china a couple of years ago and she lives in L.A.. I really like her mom and am worried. i'm also worried for my lovely friend and wish i lived closer so i could be there. i've been checking in alot though. back to smart alecs, i was thinking of her and went there in her honor. we lived in berkeley together and she loved going there. i sent her a pic of my veggie burger and air fries from my cell phone. it's her wallpaper now :)