I'm now 37 weeks pregnant and completely exhausted. I've been running around (waddling, walking slowly) trying to get school and childcare in place for a Jan. 14 start date. A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to get my Cosmetology license so that I don't have to rely solely on sporadic, unpredictable freelance Makeup jobs. I figure now that I'll be the sole supporter of a child I'd better be able to get a steady job. I'll have the option of working in a salon with my license. It's no easy task getting around these days, especially on public transport, but I'm doing it.
I'm on CalWorks, which is welfare. I learned that they will help with childcare, transport and school supplies so I'm jumping through the hoops to get all of this in place. Yes, it's great that at least this exists in this country, but it is not made easy. It's also humiliating, not empowering. Yesterday I went to a meeting with the Calworks rep at the school I will be attending and learned, among other gems, that I will be required to complete a monthly progress report to be signed by the instructor. Yeah just like grade school. I'm a fucking adult and am making the choice to go back to school. I also learned that if my baby is sick and I have to stay home with her for more than a few days/semester I may be kicked out of the program. Oh and childcare is only covered starting an hour before class starts (8am) and to an hour after class ends. I don't have a car so getting to childcare, then to class could easily take more than an hour and I just don't have the cash to pay for extra childcare hours. I left feeling pretty overwhelmed and down. Today was no better. I went to a mandatory "welfare to Work" orientation. The class was given one of those horrible bubble tests and then we met with a counselor individually. The woman I was stuck with was short tempered and nasty, rushing me through paperwork, telling me to read and then rushing me to sign like 30 seconds later. I now have to make an appointment for another orientation for childcare. This means that I have to go to another social services office. Seriously, it's hell just walking a block these days.
The "system" does not work to make people feel like they can do it. It's complex and the more you try to help yourself to get out the deeper you get into it. It's very easy to fall through the cracks, to miss a piece of paperwork or misunderstand something which could end your benefits without warning. I left the orientation today feeling extremely overwhelmed and like I just want out. I'm now questioning whether I should get my license or just look for a random job once my baby can be in childcare. My skills are very specific. If I want consistent employment I'm really only qualified for some kind of retail/service job. My office skills are so so, I can do reception basically. Is it worth it to keep myself on welfare for two years to get my license? Can I do it? I feel like shit having to rely on this help. The cash aid isn't even enough to pay my full rent per month. School is 32 hours/week and I'll have to work pt to pay for my bills.
Had a sobbing session starting about a block from my house. This is not where I want to be, not who I saw myself as at this age. Yes there are different levels of poverty, but I do feel poor. All of this social services crap makes me feel even more poor and honestly kind of worthless...especially since I have a degree and I've been working so incredibly hard to build my career and get out of poverty for so many years. It's all I do! I've been doing something wrong. I know this is self pitying. I'm just very frustrated, overwhelmed and upset.
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