today

i made 

tofu scramble with olive tapenade and lot's of garlic 

wheat toast

sliced oranges

decaf italian roast

a delicious breakfast for myself. bernie had a carrot, his dry food and water

today i find myself yearning to be in a relationship. how lovely it would be to make breakfast for two. to wake up with someone that i love and respect. it's been a long time and i'm missing it so much.

i guess i didn't realize that this is what i truly want until i met someone that i clicked with. i've dated over the past 3(?) years since my last major relationship. i've even been in a 9 month relationship. none of the people i was with were right for me and i knew it, i guess i settled for a while and then left each of them for various reasons. one turned out to have serious addiction problems and all of the behaviors that come with an addiction, or multiple. he lied and cheated. then there was the married man who eventually told me that his wife didn't actually know that they were separated. next the marijuana grower who was very cute and sweet but too young and unstable. medicinal marijuana is fine, but a grower is a drug dealer when it comes down to it. the last turned out to be a grower, an alcoholic and mentally unstable. he also fathered my baby. the people i was with before my last real relationship were all successful, creative, intelligent, educated. my standards dropped so low and i will now be more careful about who i spend my time with. 

i sometimes wonder if dating people like the above may have been a punishment for myself for initiating the end of my last, long term loving relationship. she was/is a great person and we have so much in common. there was mutual respect, support, love and friendship. she doesn't do drugs, works in the entertainment industry (as do i) as a producer, is an artist, funny, real, honest. you guessed it, i still love her. we are friends and talk a lot, but will not be in a relationship again. 

i'm soon to have a baby and this complicates things. i can't see how it is possible to enter a serious relationship, as much as i want it. this makes me sad, but it is the beginning of a new life in which i will be thinking of my child first, before my needs.